Witsy

COeXisting

2011-08-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

The more I grow, the deeper I go
It’s not me at all; it’s you I know
Ever the perfection, what a flaw
And now I’m questioning what I saw
In my little world without you there
I wonder if I was ever here…

Star Gazing

2011-08-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

A friend once took me on a surprise trip to a remote location in a very dark wood. He didn't let me know where we were going, or the purpose of the trip. Of course, this annoyed me slightly because I like "to know" everything that's going on. I asked and probed, but he would only smile and say, "you'll see". When we arrived, he parked near a canal that was surrounded by trees. He got out of the car, and I nervously followed his lead. Looking around, I could barely see anything, including my companion. Just when I was at the brink of total annoyance, he softly told me to look up.

When I lifted my eyes, I could see the stars like I'd never seen them before. "I once was blind, but now I see"... Without the city lights to distract my eyes, ears, and mind, the stars were brighter, closer, and more numerous. I felt like a child again, seated in the planetarium on a field trip. We stood silently gazing at the stars for a very long time, then he began pointing out constellations. I was awe struck.

Just when I thought I couldn't be happier, fireflies appeared! As if the stars had dropped down from the sky and were swirling around for my very own amusement. It was yet another first, seeing fireflies. I kept trying to point to them so he could see them also; but alas, every time he turned to see one, it flickered out. This became a game for awhile; "There! There it is (fade)... There's one (fade)"! He laughed at my delighted squeals and we stayed in that desolate spot for hours, with only the stars and fireflies to keep us company...

Twatter The Odds?!

2011-08-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

I have done what I swore I'd never do (after also giving up swearing)... I have a friggin' Twitter account! I had long rejected the notion of yet ANOTHER social networking site, mocked those that had gone to the dark side (I called them "Twatters"), and refused to be educated on its superiority to Facebook. Now the mocker has become the mocked...

It all started with a friend and I discussing our purpose/meaning of life. A deep and wonderful conversation in which I shared my belief that we're made up of the same materials as the stars. I'd never read or heard it, but it was in my head all the same. Later that same night, she text me to turn to the science Channel for a program called, "Wonders of the Universe". My world has not been the same since...

The narrator of "Wonders..." not only said the exact same things that I'd said earlier in the day, he had scientific data to prove it. Professor Brian Cox, a British physicists (and a one-time rock star), is the brilliant and dashing host that put my beliefs into well organized scientific explanations of our oneness with the universe. As much as I love to avoid what's "trending" in mass media, I have to admit I've become quite smitten with the "Brian Cox Effect". This effect has caused a paradigm shift in my attitude towards science, as well as social networking. There was once a time that I felt like my mind couldn't process scientific information, which was quite confusing because I'm especially good at math (and all academic subjects, really). Science has always stumped me, until now...

Now that I'm a "Twit", I only follow science related Twatters and find that the information is easy to process. Also noteworthy is how amusing and witty I find these men of science. It's not all beakers and bunsen burners, folks. I laugh, I learn, and I love that my mind has been opened to a whole new world of wonders. If someone had told me weeks ago that I'd fall in love with science, become a Twit, and resurrect my blog from 5 years ago, then I would've laughed and checked them for a fever. Maybe I would've thrown a drink in their face in the spirit of reality TV. Yet, here I AM... A star reborn!

Not~So~Cosmo

Adventures in Pet Sitting: The Tale of the Jackass

2008-11-26T19:25:00.000-08:00

Adventures in Pet Sitting: The Tale of the Jackass
I agreed to pet sit for my friends 2 cats over the Thanksgiving Holiday. I've pet sat for her before and things went fabulous. The cats love me and she's got a sweet house. Tonight was my first visit to feed the girls dinner and it was a complete disaster.

She's made many to changes to her home since the last time I watched the girls, including the addition of an alarm. Luckily, the alarm has a remote control so I figured there'd be no problems, I don't have to enter any codes or beat any time restrictions getting in or out of the house. I get to the house tonight, hit the alarm off button and enter the front door. About 2 seconds the later the alarm starts blaring. I keep hitting the off button but it doesn't seem to work. I'm searching for my cell phone so I can call my friend for help when the alarm company comes over the transmitter asking if things are ok. I explain I'm pet sitting and the key fob isn't working. They ask for the password which I don't have and then say ok, have a good night just as my friend's husband answers the phone. He gives me the code to shut off the alarm and explains that you have to hold the button on the key fob down until the red light goes off. I don't recall receiving these instructions but it's all good. The alarm company calls my friend on her cell and she explains the situation so the cops get called off. Thank goodness. Let's feed the cats now.

I feed the cats and then go to let the new outdoor/indoor cat in the house. He's a bit apprehensive since he doesn't know me so I try to give him some space so he'll come in. He doesn't go for it and I can't just leave the door open because the other cats will run out and that would be bad. I go get his food and that gets him in. I go outside to get his water dish and take a quick look around when the patio door shuts and locks me out from the inside. All the keys, mine and hers, my purse complete w/ wallet, ID and cell phone and all the cats are now locked in the house. Great. Plus I don't know my friends cell by heart. She mentioned that she was going to let the neighbors know I'd be coming over so I go next door to see if they can help.

The neighbor turns out to be a sweet old lady. She doesn't have a spare key like I hoped and she doesn't have their cell phone numbers. She tells me she thinks there's a spare key somewhere in the backyard. I ask to use the phone and call Marcus to bring me a flashlight and my old cell which might have her number. I go to the back yard to begin my search for the key. Have I mentioned that for FL its a pretty chilly evening and I'm not dressed for chilly? I digress. I go out front after a few minutes to wait for Marcus. The neighbor comes over with her cell phone and the great news that she got the husband's cell from the other neighbor. I call them for the second time in 30 minutes on the 1st night of their vacation with more wonderful news. I'm locked out. They give me instructions to find the key and after like 10 minutes I finally find it, just as Marcus arrives.Woo Hoo! Victory!

I get myself in the house, hide the key again, finish lovin the kitties and then realize I've totally lost their mail. I took it out of the box while waiting for Marcus and before the neighbor came back with the phone. I retraced all my steps and didn't see it. I didn't go back to the neighbors because it was late and I had already been over there 3 times. I'm going to ask her tomorrow if I don't find it after a second search in the daylight.

Moral of the story: don't let a ditz like me watch your pets while on vacation.

Have you cast your ballot yet?

2008-10-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

Witizens,
I just voted and I feel great. I don't care who you vote for. Just please make sure you go out and do it. If you don't, I don't want to hear any complaints when your candidate does or doesn't make it to the White House.
Sincerely,
Will Work For Shoes

I can support this. Can you?

2008-08-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

Why Women Wednesday

2008-06-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

This post will serve as a response to the response of my last WWW quarry: "Why do we wait until the very last minute to get ready?". I selected my favorite part of the comment that followed: "basically if I don't want to go somewhere, I will rebel in my own way by waiting until the last minute to prepare". This is perhaps the most honest answer I could have hoped for. And yet, I'd known all along.... We do it on purpose. I can "get ready in like 5 minutes; however, if I don't want to go, sooooo many things "come up". Is that procrastination or grudgingly keeping thine word? Are we manifesting the distractions? Women, Why are we "natural born rebels"?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why Women Wednesday?

2008-04-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

Women.... Why do we wait until the very last minute to "get ready"? Don't we know that we intend to leave at a predestined time?

This post is like 5 minutes late, by the way. Yeah, I had all fucking day.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Let's Get Political (think Olivia Newton John as you read that)

2008-02-05T15:35:00.001-08:00

I've never been one who was really into politics and I still am not. I did vote in 2004 for the first time and it was actually pretty exciting to me. I am one of my few friends that does actually go out and vote. I ask many of them why they won't vote and I often get the same dumb answer: My vote doesn't count. Well it certainly never will if you don't give it a chance to. I was unable to vote in the primary election here in Florida because I refuse to affiliate myself with a party (I don't like being boxed in). Independents can not vote in primary elections in 21 states I believe. But I will definitely be out there come the first Tuesday of November. Hopefully by that time I can decide where I want my loyalties to be for the next 4 years. I saw this video today and it just made me feel good. I want people to be more involved and if it takes someone like will.i.am to get more people to those polls, I'm all for it. Whatever happens in November, America is heading for a change and we all need to be ready for it and ready to accept it.

Peacefully yours,
Will Work For Shoes

Why Women Wednesday

2008-01-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Happy Fuckin' New Year! I decided to break my own personal writer's strike (a.k.a. laziness), so as to put my swarming ideas into solidified form. Why, Women, don't we tell a guy exactly what we like in bed? I know men are sensitive when it comes to discussing how they could improve sexually, but you know what else is sensitive? My Clit! Work that shit... Please. Why don't we tell guys just how we want our pussies licked? Or how sometimes love making versus animal sex is preferred, and vice versa? Clearly, men have no problem telling women how they want their dicks sucked, or flipping us around like fucking flap jacks; I don't think that makes the m enfolk insensitive. So I feel no guilt or insensitivity when I tell a man to get down and serve me. Women, why are you more concerned with hurting a man's fragile ego than getting off? Why not see it as broadening their horizons?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why Women Wednesday

2007-11-19T22:41:00.001-08:00

Witizens,

Why Not Be Yourself? And if that seems too scary... Well, then why not do something about that?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

P.S.

I miss you W.W.F.S.

Stank Ass

2007-11-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

Witizens,
I need your help. What should I do if one of my co-workers smells like sour mildew? I went to HR and they were no help because they turned in a two week notice. I've tried air freshener but unless I were to strap it to my face, it doesn't work. Please help me solve this stank ass problem. I'm out because I need fresh air.
WWFS

Monday Nights....

2007-10-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?! GOOOOOOOO COWBOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Truly,

N~S~C

I Swear It Was An Accident

2007-10-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

So last night, I discovered yet another reality show on VH1. America's Most Smartest Model. I had seen some commercials involving "pretty" people and a spelling bee and I at least had to check it out. 16 models have gathered to find out who is the most smartest of them all. The show began with everyone listing their modeling experience and education credentials, which leads me to the only reason I stayed tuned into the whole episode. One of the male models, Brett, is a graduate of the University of Central Florida, my own and N~S~C's alma mater. I had to see just how smart he was.

The first competition was a spelling bee with the words increasing in diffuculty each round. The first word given was "blue." The models response: "Is this a joke?" I believe the next round was designers and for models you would have expected them to do much better. The designer round eliminated most of them. The winner of the spelling bee would have an edge in round 2, the Call Back.

For the Call Back, models had to walk the runway while listing random things for the judges, such as things that are soft, things that are round, cities outside the United states, types of dinosaurs etc. Brett got elements on the periodic table. He named about 5 correctly and ended with "metal". Oh well. It was good enough for him to win the competion and immunity from elimantion. GO UCF.

Here's a nice picture of our boy Brett. I hope he sticks around longer to prove that even students from "You Can't Finish" can be the most smartest at something.

Until next time,
Will Work For Shoes, AKA The Guide

This Revolution Will Be Televised...

2007-09-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

I go on T.V. diets every once and again. "T.V. Diets" are long stretches of time without watching the television. Or NO vegging in front of the T.V. This pretty much limits me to at most: one feature film, one sports program, or a series of sitcoms for no more than 1 1/2 hours. Only one of these a day, or for more strenuous days, no more than one a week. It seems like a sacrifice, but it totally feels great in the end. I tend to exercise my brain more in the process, so it's total fitness for the mind. I love it. Also, in the blackout days, I read way more and my imagination is like WOW!!! I don't feel so inundated with useless stuff, or feel so self conscious. I feel more real and less fake. I think more about my life, all life, and what I expect to come of it.

This diet is not for everyone... Most people have been waiting on this month for season premiers and come May there's the sweeps, the beloved holiday cartoons are right around the corner, football season just started.... The key is to start out light and slowly work your way to dumping more and more T.V. Some programs will be keepers ("Are You Ready For Some Football?!"), but an occasional indulgence is smiled upon. Over thinking is not the goal, and brief moments of not thinking is healthy. If one reality T.V. show is limited per season, fine... But no more than one! Those are too addictive to just occasionally watch; they must be bypassed. There is a weakness for us all. After all, I'd HAVE to see the next Harry Potter films released!

I have expressed a dislike of the television for a while now, and I think I've been misunderstood the whole time. I don't hate the television; it's very useful. I am more put off by the display of the masses for their dependency on it. I'm not suggesting smashing the poor thing... Just turn it off every once in awhile. Your brain will like it... Eventually, it will learn to.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

T.G.I. Whatever

2007-09-07T16:55:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

I've been looking forward to today, and now. It was my mantra. It's almost Friday, even since Tuesday. NOW! Ugh, whatever. Today was awful. I'm officially sick and after a restless night, went in to work (without eating) with a box of tissue, Dayquil, and Excedrine Migraine; skipped lunch for the bank, had my car towed during a break, dealt with Roadside Assistance and the dealership in training; forgot to pay my cell phone bill while I still had a fucking ride. U! G! H! I didn't want to be a baby by missing today, and it seemingly would be a easy, breezy day. Before it officially got here.

Not eating, filling up one cold medicine, and stressful dealings totally zapped my good vibes. I was snotty, snooty, and fucking blah today. I hate being sick because I'm so mean and unhappy. Just whatever, it's the weekend, I just sneezed onto my monitor, and I need to sleep for like a day.

Truthfully,

Not~So~Cosmo

Jena 6... Is This Really Happening?

2007-09-06T19:53:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

Jena 6. I want to know, hear, and see more about Jena 6. And yet I haven't been all that informative because its just so, UGH! A modern day story of racism? Say it ain't so. I may be mocking myself a little, but I didn't know it was so blatant nowadays. Like maybe in those small southern towns that I am known to want to avoid (or perhaps the whole of Mississippi...); okay, so it's still blatant. I still feel shocked that 6 teenage boys may be getting up to 22 years for a school fight. I've seen a fight at school before. It was brutal and ugly, but no one went to prison. It was over something stupid and violent, what boys are prone to do. No one faced over 20 years of bondage. 16 years old sounds pretty friggin crazy to be locked up with some of America's most deadly criminals.

I want more background information. Am I being fed biased material? Won't I always? Am I only hearing uproar from the black side? Before I go screaming racism, I want to know the story and make it make sense. So far, what doesn't make sense is that for awhile, no one even knew... Or didn't think it out of the norm. And they didn't also think that thought was also out of the norm. Is there that much racial tension that I've been unaware of, and is it building in high schoolers and am I the only one that thinks it is so sad and melancholy?

What the hell is Jena 6 all about? Is it a fight that got out of hand, or is it just fucking out of hand?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why Women Wednesday

2007-09-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

Why do women find it offensive to be asked their age? I don't find it off-putting; it's just a question. I've seen women fret at being called "Ma'am", but want to be treated like ladies. What's wrong with "ma'am" or being older or being wiser or just being a woman? Why worry about being old while you're still a young girl at heart?

I like being my age. Twenty-seven (1/2), and growing.

Not~So~Cosmo

Tueday

2007-09-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

Too long, yes indeed, too long had I been out of touch and "work" with my blogographies. As you all know by faithfully awaiting new posts , I have not been as faithful at delivering said material. My apologies. Coincidentally, I was not employed at that time. Just when one stops to think that "with all that 'free time' so much more should have been written" ... Alas, nothing. My nothing lead to more nothingness. Isn't that funny. When every day is spent like a week's end, where is that TGIF feeling? When your whole life is a vacation, you need a vacation from it. Even more of a coincidence, now that I've began to work, the floodgates of my mind have opened, and my mind isn't so dormant. My doing something has lead to somethingness. I appreciate the free time so much more, and see the real value of freedom... Because having to work fucking sucks! And more so, because... you have to.

Today, as I was chatting with some random coworkers that I'd never ordinarily chat it up with, when I began to think, "This job and these people aren't soooooo bad". (Hating one or two coworkers does make it more tolerable.) I thought that it wasn't the job as much the necessity that I simply loathed so much. I know I'm not the only one that thinks like this; the masses hate their jobs. Perhaps having to have that job is where the real hate lies. That feeling of having to wake up with that alarm. The feeling of having to give one more fake and/or sinister smile is going to crack your face. Having to do what I wouldn't choose to do. And still, now I don't hate it so much. When I was given the freedom of choosing what ever it was I wanted. I chose nothing. I think the long vacation was enough for me, perhaps even too long. Not having to do anything I didn't want to do made me complacent. I grew weary of that noncommittal feeling. It became kind of empty; or I became kind of empty. I can't really explain it as clearly and openly as I'd like, but it wasn't pleasant after awhile. I wasn't pleasant. Not having to do something can be a drag, but so can having not to do something.

My sister will always say in a old school, southern voice, "Everyday ain't Tuesday". No, every day isn't Tuesday. Thank God for that.

Cars I want to Have Sex on Top of

2007-08-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

This is totally out of character for me but when I saw these photos I just couldn't help. 2008 will be a great year for vehicles. These cars are beyond SEXY. The images that race through my mind all involve a hot guy and a long stretch of highway with a nice secluded lookout/makeout point. I don't usually promote sex in public places, but with these cars I give everyone the green light. Damn. That's all I can say and I'll say it again. DAMN! That's hot.

2008 Jaguar XJ Sedan

2008 Lamborghini Gallardo Superlegera

2008 Infiniti G37 Coupe

Aston Martin DBS

2008 Maserati GranTurismo

For more complete information check out: http://autos.msn.com/advice/articles/previews/default.aspx?page=0&xml=preview2008#top
Until the next time something turns me on at 8 in the morning,
Will Work For Shoes (or one of these sexy ass cars)

Why Women Wednesday

2007-06-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

It is a day of celebration! "Go shawty, it's yo' birthday... We gon' party like it's yo' birthday". Two of my best high school friends are both celebrating a birthday today... Wednesday... Both of them women. It's poetic. Unfortunately, both are not starting off on the right side of the birthday. What, with work and the general woes not bothering to stop for the special occasion, it's difficult to be pleased when no one is being overtly pleasant. Why women do we love birthdays so much when we are never satisfied? And is that a problem that we have? Is it us... Is it them?

Of course it's the fault of someone/something else. I am sick of high standards and expectations being considered a "bad thing". If you want to be treated like royalty for a birthday, Valentine's Day, hell, even Cinco De Mayo, then you have every fucking right to. There's nothing wrong with you... there's something wrong with those around you not treating you like royalty. Don't bother lowering your expectations because even lower expectations won't be met. I say reach for the stars and see what you get, even if you miss the mark. Some think, "The sky's the limit", while others think, "The limit's the sky". I happen to like "To infinity, and beyond", but I'm a bit child-like.

As for my best friends, Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice! I don't care who's celebrating; I want you to celebrate because you're worth it. Even if it feels like no one appreciates the day you were born, they appreciate every moment spent with you. I sure do. Love you, Bitches.

Happy Birthday,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why Women Wednesday

2007-06-13T20:44:00.001-07:00

Witizens,

Wow! It's been ages... I've missed you all. Fair and noblest Witizens, it is only righteous for my return to be on none other day than Wednesday, my most inquisitive day of the week. From the events occurring in those near and dear to me, I ponder this: Why, Women, do you ever get involved with married men (Type A), or get involved whilst you're a married woman (Type B)? Why, Women, do you ever try to commit adultery? Truly, I'm not being judgemental in the biblical sense. I'm not calling anyone a sinner (I do my fair share, I assure you). However, the emotional strain of trying to share your lover, the ability to be shared by your lover, or having to pretend that your lover isn't a lover is emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing. Why would you knowingly put yourselves through that?

I'm aware that any affair begins with no long term goals expected; hence, the whole quick fling mentality. So, when I ask, "Why would you knowingly put yourselves through that?", the simple answer is, "I didn't know I'd feel like this, or this would happen". All I can do is roll my eyes and say, "No shit, Sherlock". The simple truth is that no one knows how any relationship will go. Which is exactly why it's important never to begin an adulterous relationship in the first place. Never!

First, I'll discuss Type A issues. When our hearts lead us to men that already have wives, we acquire hatred for an innocent and unknowing wife; which is completely psychotic. More unhealthy behaviors are bitterness and a sense of betrayal at his companionship with his family while loneliness is being experienced on the other end. What begins as a fling will soon become an obsession due to the scarcity of time together and the appeal of competing for love. Don't believe me? Why do you think, "I'll Take Your Man" and many other songs are big hits? While the aforementioned are both devastating to a woman's ego, there is nothing like someone you know pretending not to know you. To make love to a man and then be shunned in public has got to be painful and shameful. Why go through it?

As for the other, Type B adultery, the issues are just as harmful to one's self. When our hearts lead us to a men that are not our husband, so many different personalities have to form to be able to keep up the lie. There's the happy wife, the dirty, cheating whore, the dirty whore that has to pretend she's a happy wife, and the wife that has to pretend she enjoys being a a dirty cheating whore. It may seem like only two, but depending on the timing, it becomes more numerous and complicated. I truly doubt any woman can return home after fucking another man without hoping she doesn't stink of sex. See? Such a nasty worry for such a small cost. Another problem (which would bug me) is wondering how any man we sleep with can deal with us sleeping with another. Women, does it mean that they'll have you no matter what the circumstance because they love you, or is it that they don't care?

I may be sexist in believing this, but I feel that we women are more emotionally needy than we are sexually needy. At times sex is used just to get to the cuddling and feeling and blah, blah, blah... If I'm wrong about that, then my next point will be inaccurate as well, still I must forge on. If we tend to be more emotionally driven, then there is no way we could pull off juggling two men or sharing a man like most men can. Of all the "Thou Shall Nots", adultery is the one I think women fail at miserably. We are not well suited for purely sexual relationships. Nor do I see that as a flaw. In knowing that, I don't know why any women would begin a love affair that is doomed from the start. Does anyone know why?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo
(It's ME, Bitches!)

Idol Chatter Final Prediction

2007-05-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

Idol Chatter: Week 13

2007-05-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

Only one week left. Omigoodness. I'm so excited. Last night was the semi-finals featuring Jordin Sparks, Blake Lewis and Melinda Doolittle, all Idols in my eyes already. They each performed 3 songs, a judges pick, a producer's pick and their own pick. It was a great semi-final show and it's gotten me totally ready for next week. Who will it be? Now to the performances.

Judge's Picks
Jordin Sparks (Simon) Wishing On a Star
*she made me feel old when she said she'd never heard this FANTASTIC song before
Blake Lewis (Paula) Roxanne
Melinda Doolittle (Randy) I Believe in You and Me
Round 1: Melinda

Producer's Picks
Jordin Sparks She Works Hard for the Money
Blake Lewis This Love
Melinda Doolittle Nutbush City Limits
*I was hoping one of her 3 would be a Tina Turner song
Round 2: Tie

Their Own Picks
Jordin Sparks I Who Have Nothing (again)
Blake Lewis When I Get You Alone
Melinda Doolittle I'm a WOMAN (again)
Round 3: Blake because he did a song we haven't heard yet. I really hate when the contestants repeat performances. There are just too many songs in the world for that. Why not do something new? And we could end up hearing them again next week if the ladies both make it to the finals.

I'm going to skip predictions this week, cuz like I said, at this point any of them can win and I will be happy. Can't wait for the results tonight. See you then,

Will Work For Shoes

SHOCKER TIME (or is it really) Melinda was sent home last night. Yes, I said Melinda. That leaves Jordin and Blake. Who is my money on? Find out next week after the finals.

Idol Chatter: Week 12

2007-05-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

Due to the fact that I was engaged in conversation with my husband I missed the first three performances last night. Therefore I can not make a valid prediction for tonight's results. From what I did see, I'm pretty sure that Jordin and Melinda will be safe. And I can tell you that Barry Gibb was the mentor and Melinda sang my favorite BeeGee's song, I just wish I could have seen it. I'll have to find it on You Tube or something. Later,

Will Work For Shoes

Idol Chatter: Week 11

2007-05-02T08:32:00.001-07:00

Bon Jovi was last night's theme and my first thought was: WTF? I had no idea what to expect but I ended up pleasantly surprised.

Phil Stacey Blaze Of Glory

Jordin Sparks Livin on a Prayer

*that was a rough performance, love the BIG HAIR though

LaKisha Jones This Ain't a Love Song

*possibly her best yet. It earned her an on-the-mouth kiss from Simon

Blake Lewis You Give Love a Bad Name

*WOW. I loved every element of this performance, beginning to end. I've never seen anything like it on AI and I hope he gets to do more

Chris Richardson Wanted Dead or Alive

*I think he's replaced his nasally sound with the "karate chop to the throat" sound. Way too much vibrato for me. Also, he looked really creepy in the shadowed stage effect lighting they had going on

Melinda Doolittle Have a Nice Day

*reminded me of Tina Turner (before Randy had a chance to say it)

And in case you missed it, 2 contestants will be leaving tonight since everyone got to stay for Idol Gives Back week, so I need 2 people for my predictions...

Who I think should go based on musical ability: Chris and Phil

Who I think should go based on the past 2 weeks performances alone: Chris and Jordin (and that's my fave girl so you know I'm not too biased)

Who I think America will give the ax: Chris and LaKisha

We'll see tonight,

Will Work For Shoes

P.S. That speech from Bush and his wife was crappy and a waste of time. Plus Laura looked absolutely insane and drugged.

Results: Goodbye to Chris and Phil. The final four are HOT!

Idol Chatter: Week 10

2007-04-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

If last night's show was supposed to inspire me, it failed. I walked away feeling empty and slightly disappointed. Contestants were to choose songs that were inspirational to them. I wish I knew exactly went into the thought process for song selection. AI itself was trying to inspire the world to be a better place and more caring, giving a glimpse of the impoverished people of the world. Thanks for bringing down my Tuesday night. The only plus is that for each vote, a whopping 10 cents was to go to charity. We all know that more people vote for AI than the President, so this could actually be a great service if the money goes where it should.

Chris Richardson If I Could Change the World
*Isn't that a love song?

Melinda Doolittle There Will Come a Day

Blake Lewis Imagine
*oddly reminded me of Freddie Mercury of Queen

LaKisha Jones I Believe
*I believe it was not a wise choice to choose another Idol's song 2 weeks in a row. I don't think she was as bad as the judges made it out to be but it certainly wasn't Fantasia

Phil Stacey The Change

Jordin Sparks You'll Never Walk Alone
*let the judges tell it and this was her BEST performance ever. Jordin is my fave and I'd love to see her win but even I know her performance was a little lacking

Prediction time
Who I think should go home if purely based on musical ability: I don't get to say Sanjaya anymore. YAY. I'll go with the nasally Chris R
Who I think should go home because I'm still just not impressed after last night's show: CHRIS R
Who I think America will actually give the ax: LaKisha (song choice baby)

We'll see tonight (there's supposed to be a BIG surprise,)
Will Work For Shoes

Surprise Time: All 6 contestants get to stay and 2 will go home next week. Chris and Jordin were the last 2 standing. I think this was just a ploy to get more votes for Jordin.

Idol Chatter: Week 9

2007-04-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

Country was the genre and Matrina MrBride was the mentor last night. Interesting night. The field should be narrowing because we are getting close. Things usually work themselves out by now or within the next two weeks. If Sanjaya makes it to the final 3, it could jeopardize the integrity of the show forever. The way I see it, of the 7 left, 4 have a rightful spot in that final 3: Jordin, Lakisha, Melinda and Blake. We'll just have to see. Let's get to the rundown of last night.

Phil Stacey When the Black Top Ends

Jordin Sparks Broken Wing
*she made me cry (because it was so good)

Sanjaya Malakar Something to Talk About
*he made me cry (because it was SO BAD. I didn't really cry but I thought about it. What a joke of a performance) I think Simon nailed it when he said that it was like something bad you'd see in the beginning audition stages.

LaKisha Jones Jesus Take the Wheel
*I thoroughly enjoyed this performance. I think the judges will regret their nasty comments when they hear the playback.

Chris Richardson Mayberry
*This bitch actually had the nerve to say that "nasally is a form of singing" What a fucking joke. A complete travesty on music.

Melinda Doolittle Trouble is a Woman
*great wig

Blake Lewis When the Stars Go Blue
*my favorite for the night

Prediction time
Who I think should go home if purely based on musical ability: Sanjaya and CHRIS R (his comment made him 100 times worse than Sanjaya)
Who I think should go home because I'm still just not impressed after last night's show: CHRIS R
Who I think America will actually give the ax: This is a toughy but I have to go with LaKisha only because the judges ripped her to shreds.

We'll see tonight,

Will Work For Shoes

Results: Sanjaya has left the building! Finally.

Idol Chatter: Week 8

2007-04-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

I do apologize for all the crappy Paula pics (taken with my camera phone) but I am trying to capture her new fish lips. I don't know if you can see them in the pics but I posted them anyway. Just plain awful. If you can't see them, please please please tune in next week to see her commentate on someones performance. I guarantee you will see what I am talking about then. And now onto the actual point, last night's performances.

Latin Music was theme for last night's performances and they brought in Jennifer Fucking Lopez as the mentor for the night. I guess she is Latin and she does sing but whatever, not a fan. I don't know if it was the genre or if people are feeling too safe or maybe have given up but it was a show full of pretty lackluster performances. You know they couldn't have been too good, when Sanjaya falls in my top 3 (I rank each performance on a scale of 1-10 and he, Blake and Jordin got high marks from me.)

Melinda Doolittle Sway

LaKisha Jones Conga

*this performance would have been much better w/ sleeves on

Chris Richardson Smooth

Haley Scarnato Turn the Beat Around

*this performance was almost manic. I'd like to thank Simon for keeping it real when he told her “wear the least amount of clothes as possible … the rest are all better singers, so all you can do is have fun.”

Phil Stacey Maria, Maria

Jordin Sparks The Rhythm is Going to Get You

Blake Lewis I Need to Know

Sanjaya Malakar Besame Mucho

*I honestly thought this was his best performance ever. For the first time I sort of understand how he even made it to Hollywood. I still want him gone but not quite as much I guess. Oh and who were the guys in the audience with his sister? He is way too young for them.

My predictions remain the same as last week:

Who I think should go home if purely based on musical ability: Sanjaya

Who I think should go home because I'm still just not impressed after last night's show: Haley

Who I think America will actually give the ax: Phil

We'll see tonight. Later Gators,

Will Work For Shoes

I turned out to be wrong and now she's (Haley) gone.

Idol Chatter: Week 7

2007-04-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

When I heard that Tony Bennett was going to be the guest, I mentally prepared myself for a boring evening of AI performances. I was pleasantly surprised with a decent night. All of my favorites performed well and Sanjaya's hair wasn't too OTT. So here's the run-down of performers and songs they performed.

1. Blake Lewis Mack the Knife

2. Phil Stacey Night and Day

I REALLY enjoyed this performance but the judges ripped it to shreds. Maybe my TV broke again

3. Melinda Doolittle I've Got Rhythm

4. Chris Richardson Don't Get Around Much Anymore

5. Jordin Sparks On A Clear Day You Can See Forever

6. Gina Glockson Smile

7. Sanjaya Malakar Cheek to Cheek

He said he was hoping to prove what a good singer he is with this genre and song. And he is a good singer for a high schooler, not an American Idol.

8. Haley Scarnato Ain't Misbehavin'

She lets the girls out tonight and my girls I mean floppy chest pillows. Her voice reminded me of Olivia Newton John last night. She should have tried out for NBCs You're The One That I Want. I think she could have taken it hands down.

9. LaKisha Jones Stormy Weather

Who I think should go home if purely based on musical ability: Sanjaya (Please note: this name will not change until he is voted off or rather not in)

Who I think should go home because I'm still just not impressed after last night's show: Haley(Please note: Sanjaya is actually always #1 in this category too but I don't want to be redundant)

Who I think America will actually give the ax: Phil

Will Work For Shoes

I was wrong. Straight from AI.com: The judges gave out some glowing reviews this week. Sadly, America said goodbye to to Gina Glocksen.

Idol Chatter: Week 6

2007-03-28T04:40:00.000-07:00

First of all I would like to say Congrats to Paula on the new lips. I don't really care for them but they obviously make you very happy.

I missed the very beginning of last night's show which means I missed Lakisha (I found myself calling her Mandisa last night, whatever happened to her.) She did Donna Summer's Last Dance, my absolute favorite song. My husband saw it and said I would have been impressed and he hates AI so I have to believe him. I also missed or at least assume I did, Gwen Stefani's intro. I thought she was a great help. I loved her honesty with the contestants.

Here's a rundown of what I actually did see other than Paula's new lips.
Chris Sligh Every Little Thing She Does is Magic
Did not like it at all
Gina Glocksen I'll Stand By You
My husband and I are still trying to figure out if our TV is broken. The judges raved about this performance and we both agreed it was not very good to us
Sanjaya Malakar Bathwater
He gets an F for the hair alone. Faux-hawk. WTF? GO HOME!

Haley Scarnato True Colors
She looked great but I could not hear her vocals
Phil Stacey Every Breath You Take
Nice job. One of the few times I really liked him
Melinda Dolittle Heaven Knows
I thought she sounded better than Donna Summer and I LOVE DONNA SUMMER. I can't wait for her CD.
Blake Lewis Love Song
I love how cool he is. And I don't think any of the judges have listened to 311
Jordin Sparks Hey Baby
Super fun performance.
Chris Richardson Don't Speak
Don't try to sing like Justin Timberlake anymore

Overall, a pretty boring show last night.
Who I think should go home if purely based on musical ability: Sanjaya
Who I think should go home because I'm just not impressed: Chris R
Who I think America will actually give the ax: Chris S

Tune in tonight for results.
Will Work For Shoes

Results: I was right. Later Chris Sligh.

Idol Chatter: Week 5

2007-03-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

All performances were great this week. I think that can definitely be contributed to this week's theme, British Invasion. My post is a day late and the results have already come out. My favorite contestant was voted off or rather not voted in to stay. You will be missed Stephanie. I'll keep my eyes open for you in the future. The wild-haired Sanjaya gets to stay another week. I would like to thank the crazy, crying little girl in the audience. I now know exactly why this boy is still on the show. Parents, why are your kids up so late making phone calls? My bed time was 9:30 when I was her age.

Next week should be interesting. I hope everyone realizes they could go at any moment. Don't get too comfortable. And now I have to pick a new favorite. Maybe I'll have 2. Yes, 2. 1 boy and 1 girl. My boy will be Blake and my girl will be....hmm this part is tough. I'm going to have to pick 2 for the ladies, Jordin and Melinda. I would just pick Melinda, but I gots to show love for the mixed babies out there since I am one. Aren't we just the cutest? See you next week.

Will Work For Shoes

Idol Chatter: Week 4

2007-03-15T04:51:00.000-07:00

My apologies. This week has been absolutely crazy and I did not have a chance to post until now and it's going to be short. Diana Ross was the theme for Tuesday's performances from the final 12 contestants. Simon called Ryan out again for being gay. Ryan: "Stay out of my closet" Simon :"Come out" It was fantastic. Back to the performances. The scales are beginning to even as far as men compared to women, but the 3, or is it 4 now (Jordin) powerhouses give the women an edge. I will return to my regular format next week and give the songs performed and the order.

Who I think should go based on musical ability: Sanjaya
Who I think should go for my own reasons: Sanjaya
Who I think America will give the ax: Stephanie*
*
I must note that this is not what I think, only how I think America will decide.

See you next week,
Will Work For Shoes

What actually happened: Sanjaya, Phil and Brandon were in the bottom 3. Brandon went home. I'm glad I was wrong Stephanie.

Why Women Wednesday

2007-03-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Witizens,

Another week, another day, another Wednesday, and another quick question for the ladies. Why... Oh why, women, do you have such a problem letting go of old and outdated friendships? I mean, by the time that the relationship is held together by the glue of time itself, and the only commonalities are restaurants, knowing all of each others best stories, and a mutual hatred for one another, why not just call it quits? I've seen the way men fall out, and granted, it's usually for more sound reasons than us ladies, but nevertheless, men just dump it like it's hot. Their actions are as swift as their decision. Women, why do we try to find the rationale in ending old friendships instead of relying on our gut? Why invest time in something that will inevitably end?

I would say hope would be my number one reason for hanging onto expired friendships. A hope that they may change, or I may change; perhaps some form of maturity and/or a resolution. However, hope springs eternal, and I don't have all fucking day. This may be the reason that amongst my friends, I am one to dump it a lot. There's really no one thing that irks me; rather, I believe I throw in the towel only when there's no hope in my friend for me. Whereas some may say I am a bit heartless, I find the loss of hope to be the most jagged little pill to swallow. Women, why are you beating that horse... It's dead!

Women, why do we befriend men/women that drive us up the wall? My mom's best friend of like 40+ years is also her biggest rival. Why? Is that even healthy? Are we just so needy of affection or attention that we settle for friends that absolutely suck balls? If so... Why?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's World Affairs

2007-03-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

I tried 3 times, unsuccessfully, to report on the demise of the late (not so great) Anna Nicole, the meltdown of a teen sensation, the bald and Britney Spears, and the woes of a rejected space cadet that no one really remembers the name anyway. Thrice, my computer overruled and found it too stupid to save and/or publish and just kept repeatedly dumping it. I call that prophecy, so I'll leave those topics for the cheesy tabloids. Besides, Witsy is better than that.

More important in the world is the stupidity of world affairs and everyday people. I was recently watching my love bug, Stephen Colbert, interviewing some African American woman. (It will become clear why someone as controversial and lazy as myself didn't just write "Black" instead of African American.) The woman and writer was weighing in her opinion of Barack Obama, the Black Community, and the '08 election. Her view is that the Black community isn't so accepting of Obama as a Black American because his dad is actually from Africa; therefore, making him what she termed an "African-Afican American"... The difference, you ask. Well, according to this chick, Obama's heritage isn't like the heritage of Black Americans, with all the slavery, love for bling-bling, and the great turnip vs. collard greens debate. According to moi, the main difference between African Americans and African-African Americans is that the Department of Redundancy Department will call and ask for its style back from one and not the other. I can only suppose.

Now, I haven't gone out amongst my fellow Black Americans to ask their opinion on this "African-African American" bullshit, but I did manipulate the mind of my Black friend just for sport. When she gave me grief for not voting (I'm soooo Apathetic) and lectured me on us having our first Black president, I simply asked his name. Naturally, she didn't know anything other than he was getting her vote because he's Black. So, I told her his name in the most dramatic hushed whisper, and she immediately changed her vote, exclaiming, "Hell naw! That bitch might be a terrorist." I guess that will count as one less ignorant Floridian vote, but it was a lesson for me in peoples' selective ignorance. How many Black voters will go to the polls jonesin' to vote for who may become the first Black Prez, only to end up scoffing at that Taliban name on the ballots? My guess.... Too many.

My sister believes Obama should have taken a page out of Malcolm X's book, and changed his name a long time ago, that is, if he was interested in politics. She's not known for her level-headedness, but I'm afraid she has a good point. The problem would be that when they dug up the info on his birth name, Barack Hussein Obama, it would have seemed even worse. I suppose this situation fits the old query, "What's in a name?" Would an Obama by any other name really be President? If he wanted to make chicken, watermelon, and collard greens America's new favorite snacks, would Blacks really accept him and all his Africanness? Why were Blacks trying to convince an unwilling Tiger Woods to admit he was Black, but poor Obama who says it loud, "I'm Black and I'm proud!" isn't quite Black enough? Why wouldn't he have the same mindset of any other African American in this country? How much do Black/African Americans really want to take it back to "The Motherland"? Could this issue of race possibly become any dumber? Tune in next time for my edition of Witsy World Affairs, in an attempt to understand our fellow humans.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Aside:

In truth, I slipped up his name and called him "Obama bin Lada" one night... It kind of stuck. Also, I remember telling a certain Lioness, one of my more political friends, that his entire name was Barack Hussein Obama, and she thought I was joking or I had been watching too much spoof news. Wikipedia, Dude.... Wikipedia....

Idol Chatter: Week 3

2007-03-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

Tonight, 12 lucky and hopefully talented, deserving contestants will make it to the illustrious top 12 on American Idol. This week, the contestants had to lay it on out on the line, because for some, this was their last chance. And for the third week in a row, the ladies blew the men out of the water. I will be surprised if a female does not take the big prize this year. Enough predictions for now, let's get to who sang what.

Males
1. Blake Lewis All Mixed Up
*always does a song I'd never imagine on AI
2. Sanjaya Malakar Waiting On The World To Change
3. Sundance Head Jeremy
4. Chris Richardson Tonight I Wanna Cry
5. Jared Cotter If You Really Love Me
6. Brandon Rogers I Just Want To Celebrate
7. Phil Stacey I Need You
8. Chris Sligh Wanna Be Loved
*WOO HOO!

Females
1. Jordin Sparks Heartbreaker
2. Sabrina Sloan Don't Let Go
3. Antonella Barba Put Your Records On
*I hope Americans finally realized that she photographs much better than she sings
4. Haley Scarnato If My Heart Had Wings
*sounds like a Disney princess, and that's not a bad thing
5. Stephanie Edwards Sweet Thing
*comes out every week like she already won
6. LaKisha Jones I Have Nothing
7. Gina Glockson Call Me When You're Sober
8. Melinda Doolittle I'm A Woman

Usually at this point I would give you my top and bottom 3 from each week but I've decided to just tell you who I don't want to see in the top 12.

Males: Sanjaya and Jared
Females: Antonella and Haley (she's really not that bad but the other 6 woman are phenomenal. If it were up to me, I'd let her stay and send Sundance home instead.)

We'll see tonight how America voted. I hope I am not shocked and totally appalled, as I have been in the past with this show. I'll see you next week when the real competition begins. Good luck boys because you're all going to need it.

Ba-bye,
Will Work For Shoes

P.S. Idol Chatter will be moving to Wednesday starting next week since AI will be on 2 days a week now as opposed to 3.

So the results are in and their were definitely some upset people last night. Good bye to Antonella, Sabrina, Jared and Sundance. America voted and America decided.

Idol Chatter: Week 2

2007-03-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

So we are down to 10 each and the competition is heating up. Those ladies really look like they want to win, but the gentleman aren't just going to hand the victory over. And I have a request for the judges, namely Randy and Paula: PLEASE STOP TELLING THE CONTESTANTS HOW AMAZING THEY LOOK AFTER A SHITTY PERFORMANCE. This is a vocal talent competition, not a damn BEAUTY PAGEANT. Plus, I think the ladies know you are patronizing them. Most of those comments are followed by a HEAVY eye-roll. So anyway, here's what the guys and gals sang this week.

GUYS
1. Phil Stacey Missing You
2. Jared Cotter Let's Get It On
3. A.J. Tabaldo Feelin' Good
4. Sanjaya Malakar Steppin' Out With My Baby"
5. Chris Sligh Trouble
* he's got a hot wife. NICE!
6. Nick Pedro Fever
7. Blake Lewis Virtual Insanity
8. Brandon Rogers Time After Time
9. Chris Richardson Geek In The Pink
10. Sundance Head Mustang Sally

GALS
1. Gina Glockson How Do I Get You Alone
* Ryan Seacrest called out this girl's boyfriend on national TV and said that after 2 years of dating "it's time for the ring"
2. Alaina Alexander Not Ready To Make Nice
3. Lakisha Jones Midnight Train To Georgia
4. Melinda Doolittle My Funny Valentine
*she's so sweet and humble
5. Antonella Barba Because You Loved Me
6. Jordin Sparks Reflection
7. Stephanie Edwards Dangerously in Love
8. Leslie Hunt Feelin' Good
* I hate when 2 people do the same song in the same week and 1 is way better than the other one, in this case A.J. being the better of the 2
9. Haley Scarnato Queen Of The Night
10. Sabrina Sloan All The Man That I Need

So those are the songs and here are my top and bottom 3 from each group.
Top 3 Guys: A.J. and the following guys all tied for second; Phil, Blake and Brandon
Bottom 3 Guys: Jared, Nick and Sanjaya
Top 3 Gals: Melinda, Stephanie and Sabrina
Bottom 3 Gals: Leslie, Alaina, and Antonella (2 of the 3 got the "at least you look beautiful" line)

I was 2 for 4 last week. We'll find out tonight on Fox how I did this week. And stay tuned for the show that comes on after the results. It's fun to see how many adults AREN'T smarter than a 5th grader.

See you next time,
Will Work For Shoes

Again, straight from American Idol.com: Unfortunately for Nicholas, Alaina, AJ, & Leslie, it was the end of the AI Road.

I'm getting better, 3 for 4, although A.J. leaving is a major disappointment. He was my favorite male.

Why Women Wednesday

2007-02-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Today is no holiday, but it's Wednesday. Yay!!!! I have no cutesy intro today, so I'll just delve right into my question... Why, Women, do we get so upset when someone is mad at us or doesn't like us? Why do we care so much about being liked? I mean, guys just seem to have this, "They'll be alright.... They'll get over it...", but Women, we flip out. We rally supporters to hear our version. We talk about it nonstop to family, friends, and lovers. We make sure to know who's our "ally" and who's the real "axis" power. We set up sting operations that involve a 3rd party (spy) to engage the enemy in a conversation about us. We want to talk and talk and talk and talk it out. Women, why not just say, "If you hate me then Fuck You!", and join the rest of the bad Girls?

At this very moment, I'm sure there are plenty of people that can't stand me. Kudos! Only I have no desire to work these things out; they'll just go away on their own. I don't think I would ever have a peaceful moment in life if I worried about what everyone else thought of me. Won't the opinion of the masses constantly change anyway? Ugh! Dump it.

Women, why are you talking your man's ear off (or your lady's, if you swing that way) about some chick, whom you hate also, hating you? If you both hate each other, then where is the harm? Women, why do you care so much about being liked? Why do you care what others think? Why, oh why Women, do you try so very hard to be nice with very little reward? Just... Why bother?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Idol Chatter: Week 1

2007-02-22T12:08:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night marked what I call the beginning of American Idol, AKA the Vocal Visual Melting Pot. The contestants this year are all diverse and I love it. It began with performances by the men and was followed last night by the women, who seemed to have the edge this round. I’m just going to list the performers and their songs in order with a few comments thrown in. At the end, I will give my top and bottom 3 for each group. Please keep in mind, I am not expert. I’m just a chick who loves AI and likes sharing her opinions.
Men
1. Rudy Cardenas Free Ride
2. Brandon Rogers Rock With You
* professional background singer
3. Sundance Head Nights in White Satin
4. Paul "Barefoot" Kim Careless Whisper
5. Chris Richardson I don't Want to Be
6. Nick Pedro Now and Forever
* first one to do a good falsetto
7. Blake Lewis Somewhere Only We Know
*WOW!
8. Sanjaya Malakar Knocks Me Off My Feet
* youngest male contestant and it shows
9. Chris Sligh Typical
* love the hair and the Il Divo diss for Simon
10. Jared Cotter Back at One
11. A.J. Tablado Never Too Much
12. Phil Stacey These are the Moments
Woman
1. Stephanie Edwards How Come You Don't Call Me
* this girl came to win. great way to open the show
2. Amy Krebs I Can't Make You Love Me
3. Leslie Hunt (You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman
4. Sabrina Sloan Never Loved a Man the Way that I Love You
5. Antonella Barba I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
6. Jordin Sparks Gimme One Reason
* youngest female contestant
7. Nicole Tranquillo Stay
8. Haley Scarnato It's All Coming Back to Me Now
9. Melinda Doolittle Since you Been Gone (not the Kelly Clarkson one)
10. Alaina Alexander Brass in Pocket
11. Gina Glockson All By Myself
*I agree with Simon and she did NOT hit that note
12. LaKisha Jones And I am Telling you, I'm Not Going
*this girl came to win too. great way to close the night.

So those are the contestants and the songs they Tuesday and Wednesday night. The results show will air tonight on FOX. I won't be tuning in (sorry FOX but The Office is on and I heart NBC Thursdays.) But here are the top 3 and bottom 3 from each set if I ran things.

Top 3 Men: A.J., Blake and Jared
Bottom 3 Men: Rudy, Sanjaya, and Chris R.
Top 3 Women: Stephanie, Melinda and LaKisha (sistuhs are runnin' thangs)
Bottom 3 Women: Antonella, Amy, and Leslie

I'll find out tomorrow how good I am at predicting the future.

Happy viewing and tune in next week.
Will Work For Shoes

So the results have come out and I was 2 for 4. Not bad. Straight from AmericanIdol.com: Tonight, we bid adieu to Paul Kim, Amy Krebs, Nicole Tranquillo, and Rudy Cardenas.

Why Women Wednesday

2007-02-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

It's been a week since we last danced, and I'm hoping some of you readers are still riding that Valentine high... Or at least, a chocolate one. And here we are one week later during Mardi Gras, the drunkest time of the year!!! Yay!!! For all of you Catholics, today kicks off the beginning of Lent, so on this Ash Wednesday, I've been wondering... Why Women, do we follow any organized religion? I mean, I'm going to have ashes on my forehead later, and I'm trying to fast and I know abstinence will be a cinch, but why am I doing any of this? According to "The Good Book", I only had the options to be some famous person's wife, mother, or whore. Women, have you read the Bible? Why do you put your faith in something that makes you feel like a perpetual Jezebel?

I'm a fan of reading the Bible; yet, when I read the parables and stories, I get the notion that most of the world's problems were caused by women. Most of the world's greatest heroes and most righteous men were killed due to a woman. John the Baptist, Samson, and who can forget all the sins Eve bestowed upon the world... The list is endless. Then there's Mary Magdalene, who may have been an apostle, but the Church felt it best to just sum her up as a prostitute. Coincidence? Is that what we women are to the Church? Whores? Is it because the clergy isn't allowed to fuck, or has it truly been this way since the beginning of time? Are we really just someone's wife or someone's whore?

I'm not saying that all religions suck, or that mine sucks; however, what exactly are we following and calling the ultimate truth? Is it because it was written? Are we afraid of hell? Are we really all just whores? Why Harlots, do we bitch about equality and the like, but when it comes to the Church's blatant misrepresentation of women, we say nothing? Why women can't we ask for a revision of the King James Bible that will rectify some of the misleading of previous Popes?

When I awoke this morning, I was going to give up things for Lent. After writing this post, I'm only going to give up Lent for Lent. It seems to be what a real Jezebel would do, and it's time for me to accept my role in my religion. Don't blame me, I'm a woman... I was born to destroy the world.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why Women Wednesday

2007-02-14T10:52:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

I've missed all of you so much. It is Wednesday... And not just any Wednesday... It's Valentine's Day!!! YAY!!!! It's the most special capitalistic day geared towards women and love and gifts for women. Needless to say, I'm a fan; however, I'm a fan of love.. Dammit. So, today's question is this: Why Women do we expect men to lose their minds and half of their bankroll as a token of love for the Day of Love? Why do we think that is love?

Now, I will admit that I love gifts, both giving and receiving; I love love LOVE; I think the world over could use more spoiling. On the other hand, I don't like the looks of the card aisle in the stores, Victoria's Secret, or the mall in general on February 13th. It's fucking scary. The looks on those men's faces are enough to make me want to tell my future husband just to be nice for the entire day on February 14th, that's it. Call me crazy, but the best gift for the holiday of love is L-O-V-E, throw in some laughs and good times, and wrap it up. That's love to me. Women, am I asking for too little... Are you asking for too much? Why do we seek tokens of love rather than love itself?

Women, instead of expecting Hershey's Kisses, why not expect real, passionate kisses? Why not trade long-stemmed roses for long, loving embraces? Opt for time alone instead of dinner at some crowded, expensive restaurant. Why do we expect these things so much that when it all does not work out to be "perfect", we don't feel any love at all?

Witizens, keep love alive. Happy Valentine's Day.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Engaged and Underage - another breakthrough show from MTV

2007-02-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

Once again, the brilliant minds at MTV have given us absolutely nothing. When I first heard the name of this show, I thought they were going to be showing us UNDERAGE couples who have decided to become ENGAGED. I was thinking 14-16 years old. That is what comes to mind when I hear UNDERAGE. However I heard the name of the show and saw the commercials and thought to myself "Those couples don't look underage. I need to check this out." Sure enough, the research department at MTV apparently didn't do their job OR they already had the name picked out and had to come up with anything to put on the air.

I watched 2 episodes yesterday and neither couple were underage. I don't know how old the first couple were, but they were high school graduates, living in their own house, and working. So they would have to be at least 18. I was under the impression that in this country of ours, a person is considered an adult at the age of 18. I mean, one can vote, one can be drafted or enlist into the military, so you would think that one would be old enough to get married at 18. You can't drink alcohol, but I didn't realize that was a requirement to get married. According to MTV however, that is underage.

The second episode I watched, the bride and groom-to-be were already 21. But I guess MTV considers that to be UNDERAGE as well since they were on this program.

I don't get it. At what age does MTV deem it is appropriate for one to marry? 25? 30? 40? Are they trying to tell young people that getting married young is foolish? As one who was married at the age of 20, I find this a little offensive. I've been married 10 years now. Was it foolish? Sure - love will make people do foolish things. Yes, we've had our share of problems, but what marriage doesn't? Would we have had the same problems if we had been older? Maybe not - but there would have been different ones to struggle through.

I can see where MTV is going with this. Perhaps they are trying to get their viewers to think a little before jumping into something that is supposed to be forever. In a country with sky high divorce rates, that isn't such a bad idea. But having a show that gives the perception that marrying young is foolish is the wrong way to do it. What I love is that they start filming a month or so before the wedding and show the negative things. HELLO?! Has anyone on this production staff tried to plan a wedding? They are stressful! Of course these couples are going to snip at each other or fight about something stupid. They are totally stressed out! Especially if the bride's mother is as crazy as mine was! It doesn't matter how old the couple is. They could be 90 years old and still find something to fight about a day before the wedding.

It doesn't matter how old you are when you get married (as long as it is legal in your state - and nothing creepy) every marriage is going to have problems. If a person is 18 and knows deep down that they are ready for that step, I say go for it. Unless MTV can give us an appropriate age for marrying, I think they need another name for this show. Or just take it off the air altogether.

Married while underage --
Rogue Scholar

The Stars Have Aligned

2007-01-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Okay, I'm not claiming to be psychic.... However, my pick for the Saints to win has been on this site for awhile. The other day, Wednesday to be exact, I added a comment to my post "Superbowl Is Nearing... Place Your Bets" in which I still held true that the Saints could go all the way! On the same day, I wrote my beau an email, and in said email, I confessed my love for Stephen Colbert (I even referred to him as a "Dreamboat"). Now, in my own defense, I know that Stephen Colbert isn't on the top of most girls' lists for Hollywood heartthrobs, but Colbert is brilliant, funny, charming, and sofa king adorable. I heart him. Anyway, on this same Wednesday of writing that the Saints would win and confessing my love for Colbert to my other love, I also tuned in to the "Colbert Report" that same night for The Colbert Report's 200th episode (woohoooo). It was as if Stephen Colbert had read Witsy and agreed wholeheartedly. I was floored! And instantly in love... He even called the Saints "his team" and said he was betting on them in Vegas. How perfect are we for each other?

Clearly, it could all be coincidental; however, don't take my word for it. Just click on the following link, watch the clip, and compare my witticism of the Superbowl outcome. Either Stephen steals my words (and my heart), or the stars aligned on Wednesday and his and my mind were completely in sync.

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/player.jhtml?ml_video=80964&ml_collection=&ml_gateway=&ml_gateway_id=&ml_comedian=&ml_runtime=&ml_context=show&ml_origin_url=%2Fshows%2Fthe_colbert_report%2Fvideos%2Fmost_recent%2Findex.jhtml&ml_playlist=&lnk=&is_large=true

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why Women Wednesday

2007-01-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

It is another hump day, and I seem to be back to my old self, so I figured I'd give writing a go. Women, why do we have a hidden "rape fantasy"? Why do we pretend we don't? Why is it hidden? I've heard women deny that they don't, and I've heard sleazy guys say that "all women want it". On a personal level, I admit to my own rape fantasy, and some of my closest friends and sisters will admit it also. In truth, any female that I'm close enough to has confirmed that they have a rape fantasy. So, why the secrecy? My only guess is that women are either unaware of their secret feelings, or they simply deny/suppress those feelings because it's unusual. If you've ever seen Gone With The Wind, then you noticed that Scarlett O'Hara is completely smitten only after her husband, Rhett Butler takes her by "force"; when he was doting on her and lovey-dovey she was not feeling it. Now, I know that Hollywood films are no way to argue a respectable point, but that movie is fresh in my mind and it's fucking classic; the point stays!

I've spoken to men who ask if every woman had this well known rape fantasy, and I usually answer, "most do, but I'm not sure if they are aware of it"... Let me be clearer, most women don't want some stranger to rape them, so for all you rapists, pipe the fuck down. It is more like us women want the men that we know/date/marry to want us so badly that holding us down and forcing us is the most logical thing they can come up with. Perhaps it is the passion, domination, or the "I'm gonna make you mine!" response to a woman's irresistibility that is the cause of our fantasy... I can't decide. All I know is that I'm as normal as they come {snickers}, and I have a rape fantasy.

If this makes me weird, then frankly my dears, I don't give a damn. I'll accept being weird... At least I'm honest. For all my Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butlers of the world who like their men to play the manly card every once in awhile and fuck them whether they say "yay" or "nay", I salute you and your honesty with yourselves. As for those that deny their inner feelings and make it as though the rest of us are perverted... Hmmm... Maybe I should hold these women down and force them to admit they have rape fantasies. They just might enjoy it (I know they would).

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Superbowl Is Nearing... Place Your Bets

2007-01-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Not that I expect anyone to listen to my crazy rantings, but I do remember calling that the Saints were going to be money this year. I also remember telling folks to get their bookies in check because the payoff will be big. If you listened, kudos... You'll be enjoying a nice vacation this year. If you didn't listen and were too much of a scared coward to make a little extra dough, well then... "tough titty" says the kitty.

The Saints, who are led (somehow) by the rookie of the team, Reggie "Prez" Bush are playing like Gods. I mean, compared to the team's last few years, yeah, I can exaggerate like that. The only thing that may stop them is a true God amongst men... LaDainian "LT" Tomlinson. Now this guy may upset my Vegas bet, but I won't be too upset about it if only I can watch him play. LT did for the Diggle Muffins (my smash-hit of a fantasy league/my cat's nickname) what God did for Moses... he made the Diggle Muffins unstoppable. I swear, LT has the gift. I can say that about Reggie Bush as well, but he hasn't realized he's "The One" yet. Bush is like Neo in the first Matrix... LT is Neo in Revolutions. I totally heart both, but in the betting world, my money is on the more heavenly spirited team: The Saints. I'm still looking for LaDainian to provide an upset, but he'll need to play like Lightning and Thunder to stop a Not~So~Cosmo prediction... Anywho, Happy Hunting!

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

**With New Orleans desperately needing tourism, let's not be too quick to rule out a fixed game... I'm just saying....

Why Women Wednesday

2007-01-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

I have a confession to make. I am addicted to yet another TV show,make that yet another REALITY TV show. The Bad Girls Club on theOxygen network (Viva la Ripsi!) Why, women, are we so obsessed withreality TV? What about these shows, so not based in REALITY, has ustuning in religiously?

I would have to say that my reality TV viewing started back in theday with COPS. That show was, is and will always be awesome. To thisday I think it is the realest show on TV, even more so than the news.I love when they do a Palm Beach episode (I know the Citgo.) Real lifeidiots committing real life idiot crimes being caught by real lifeidiot cops. Pure perfection.

Next came MTVs Real World. I was hooked from the first New York untilthey went "Back to New York", a full decade. That show is filled withdrama and I LOVE drama. I still say my all-time favorite line. It'sfrom the Miami season, said by Melissa, directed at the token gay Dan.Say with your best Cuban accent "Don't you ever, ever call me a bitch,you fucking flamer."

Some of my other reality shows include American Idol, Flavor of Love*, Celebrity Paranormal Experience and the aforementioned Bad GirlsClub. This show is awesome. If you like reality TV, you'll love it.There are many more shows that I watch but memory fails me at thetime. I would have to say the main draw for me is the drama. Is it thesame for you? Why, women, are we so obsessed with reality TV? Let meknow during the next commercial break.

Kisses Bitches,

Will Work For Shoes

* There's a Flavor of Love spin-off called I Love New York. It wascreated especially for New York, who is in my opinion one of thebiggest reality TV losers out there. I mean to get fucked and dumpedby Flavor "Burnt Chicken Wing" Flav twice is just sad. I havesuccessfully avoided the season premiere. Only the rest of the seasonto go. Wish me luck.*

Why Bother Wednesday....

2007-01-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

It's been forever since I posted... I shall start with saying I hoped everyone had a super fantastic holiday season and New Year's Eve. I decided that since I'm my own boss, I could take a breather as I damn well please.

I'm in the middle of grieving, so again, I'm going to take a hiatus and get my mind right. When I'm back to my normal self (snickers at "normal"), I'll be back and more ruthless than ever. At some point this grief will turn to uncensored bitchiness, and then the world will come to know and fear my witty wrath.... Happy Fuckin' New Year!

God Bless You Bitches

Not~So~Cosmo

Why Women Wednesday

2006-12-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

It was only a month ago that I was sitting around the table for Thanksgiving with the family and friends, and it was in the company of two of my sisters, my sister-in-law, and a neighbor that the talk of tummy tucks, liposuction, implants, and nose jobs came up. All of them had had "work done". I was the only ostracized ostrich at the table who refuses to get "corrective surgery", so I just silently ate while they talked about getting sawed up and stuffed with saline. It was when my sister-in-law said she wanted a nose job that I finally unsilenced myself by pointing out that one correction to the face would lead to countless of other corrections to various other parts of her face. I asked them, and now I'll ask all of you this: Why, Women don't you leave your bodies "as is"? Why are you opting for "corrective surgery" as if something is wrong with your bodies? Why not proper eating and exercise?

I'm not perfect, and I'm sure no one believes they are... If they do, that makes them imperfect already. However, the dream of a doctor making you perfect after surgery is indeed a dream. Women, wake up. Once you fix that "one little imperfection" on your body, chances are you'll notice another imperfection, and another, and so on... and so on... Just stop! It annoys me that what was once a Hollywood trend has spilled into everyday peoples' lives as well, with housewives having "work done" and teenage girls wanting "work done". Why has everyone gone mad? Is it too much Nip/Tuck and Dr. 90210? Is it too much of watching Desperate Housewives? Why, Women, have you fallen out of love with your own self image so much that you'll let a doctor butcher your bodies in the hope to look better?

The most confusing aspect of all of this to me is that married women get work done against the objections of their husbands. If your man thinks you look great, why go under the knife? Isn't he the one you want to be the most beautiful for? Isn't he the one paying for it? Isn't he the one that will help you while you're healing? Isn't he the one that will have to deal with you if the doctor botches the whole thing? Why isn't his opinion that you are "just fine the way you are" enough?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

The Final Suri Update

2006-12-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Disclaimer:
The following incidents are all true and happened as I say they happened and couldn't have happened any other way because I said so!

I saw her... Against my will, I swear it! I had managed to allude those photographs for months, and then while checking out at the grocery store it happened. I saw Little Suri Cruise's evil face gracing the cover of a tabloid. I tried to turn away quickly (giving a small yelp because I was being forced to see what my eyes so desperately wanted to reject), but it was all in vain. So, there I was in the middle of the store, yelping with my eyes shut tight (I stood for a few seconds like this) to wipe away the image, but it was too late... much much too late. I knew I couldn't take it back, and it pained me. I left the store in more of a hurry than I had arrived, and with half the glee in my heart. This was a few days ago, but I needed to muster up the courage and strength to even speak of the incident. I'm still trying to cope.

On the next visit to the store, I zoned out in line and realized when it was my turn that I had been facing the tabloids and had subconsciously been staring at a number of Suri pics. I gave up the good fight this time. Perhaps I was hypnotized by the photos... I don't know. All I know is that when my eyes refocused, Suri was as snug as a devil bug in an evil rug in her daddy's arms (well, not Satan, but rather Tom, a close 2nd to the Dark Lord). UGH!! It was my intention to never lay eyes on that child. At the very least, I wanted to hold out far longer than TomKat held out on showing her to the world. They kept the baby under raps for 143 days. I avoided her with great effort for 90 glorious days. I failed the mission, thanks to the love birds' Italian wedding and the goons that took a gazillion photos. Damn them all.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

P.S. Is Satan Asian? I only ask because Suri looks part Asian...

Why Women Wednesday

2006-12-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Woohooo!!! It's my 69th post and I'm excited. I know, I know... I'm lascivious. After reading exerts from the tell all novel Confessions of a Video Vixen by Karrine "Superhead" Steffans, I began wondering how this chick had given more millionaires head than the law should allow, and yet she had not one thing to show for all her "hard work"... Well, until she wrote the book, that is. It lead me to today's inquiry. Why Women, do you allow men to treat you like a whore, but you don't charge them like one?

I have never taken money for sex, but I have taken money. And plenty of it... I call it gifts. I didn't really need it, but why turn down a gift? However, I have never taken any cash from the guys I slept with because we were mutually using each other for sex and I wasn't in need of cash anyway. Therefore, I've never felt used and abused and broke at the same time. That shit wouldn't fly with me. The thing that confuses me is that if I'm in need, I want the dude that is banging my brains out to help me out of whatever bind I'm in, and I would do likewise. These girls are banging multiple men and barely have money to feed themselves. Women, why are you choosing guys that would watch you starve and not lift a finger to do anymore than finger you? If you're not going to sell it, why not just sit on it?

Why not choose a man that will help you when you're in need? They are sometimes called "husbands" or "boyfriends"... If this all comes across as gold- digging, then oh hell well; I'd prefer a sugar daddy to a sperm daddy any day. I like to think that if you're going to have the shame in your eyes of fucking more men than the average porn star, then you should have some nice Gucci sunglasses to hide that shame. Since the guilt is already there, might as well take the money too. Being a cum receptacle is bad enough... Being a cum receptacle whilst being broke and starved out is a fucking travesty.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Retards? "Special"?

2006-12-07T08:43:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

It has been brought to my attention that I don't "drop enough bombs" and that I should write about "keeping it real"; I figured I could do both at the same time. And who better than to start with than myself. I have a bomb to drop for those of you who don't have the pleasure of knowing me... I fucking hate retards. Here, let me start in the beginning...

When I was a little girl, much more open and innocent than this meat, gristle, and hatred that writes before you, I changed from a private school to the same public school that my siblings went to. On one of the first days there, we were at recess, and one of the "special ed." kids, a dirty, snot faced little bitch said something that I couldn't make out (for obvious reasons... I don't speak retard). I gave her a standard, "Excuse me", and she disappeared, only to return with another "special ed." mongoloid who stood at least 6 feet tall. Now, that isn't monstrously tall; however, in an elementary school yard, that bastard is looming above everyone else. He walks straight up to me, and punched me with all his retard strength, which is ironically, superior to the strength of normal people. So, there I was, all of seven and bleeding from my face onto my pretty dress. And for what? Because I was normal! Fuck that!! My sister later kicked that kid's ass, but she got suspended, whereas he did not because he was "special". The suspension didn't last because my mother flew off the handle and screamed at the principal, "I don't care how "special" he is. He hit my baby in the face! If I had seen him before her sister did, I may have killed that retarded fucker!" Needless to say, I get my "fiery" temper from my mother. It was years later that I had a chance to seek revenge; I was 18 years old and I saw that the moron worked for Publix (don't they all?!), and I wanted to abandon my cart full of purchased groceries and beat the shit out of him... The ice cream saved his ass that day. Clearly, I have some unresolved feelings.

The truth of the matter is, I think that "special" kids need to go to "special" schools. No fucking the principal Mrs. Gump, take that kid to a special school where he will fit in. I've been called a fascist for this, but I stand my ground. It would only benefit all involved; the mentally challenged won't be mocked and the normal kids won't be subjected to "special" children who arrive in their "special" little, yellow bus with their "special" strength who get out of trouble because they have "special" privileges. I am aware that they don't know any better, and that is my point, they just don't know. They don't know that petting a puppy too hard might break its neck, so you don't hand the retard a puppy, without regard to hurt feelings. Such is schooling, don't put them in a normal public school or they might break necks. If the goal is for retarded kids to go to normal schools because the parents want them to have a normal education like everyone else, then they need to be treated like everyone else, punishments included.

After making comments about pornography and the absence of "gay porn" to my friends, I was told (through laughter, mind you) that I'm going to have retarded kids as punishment for my mocking. If I am ever cursed (or "blessed" as some people say) with a retarded child, I'd like to think I'd love them as I would any child that is mine. I would also like to think I would raise them exactly like I would any other child I birthed. Everything is learned, including acceptable behavior, and that is exactly what I would teach: what is/is not acceptable. None of this "special" bullshit would fly. For me and mine, "special" will be synonymous with exceptional and gifted; therefore, no "special" treatment for being retarded other than a smidgen more patience. I don't believe someone born with an extra chromosome has any more compassion than the average person, so my gut tells me if I did something embarrassing or appeared odd looking to them, a retarded person would laugh and point at me without much reservation. As mush as I dislike retards, I don't mock them or laugh at them (please, I have some decorum); however, I don't handle them with kiddie gloves either. The mentally challenged are not above the laws of etiquette that governs us all, so instead of "special" treatment, perhaps lessons in acceptable behavior would be better suited for everyone. If that is too much to ask for, may those little yellow "special" buses drive those "special" kids to their very own "special" learning environment.

And that's real.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-12-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

I'm back to business at my scheduled time. I'm feeling well rested after my two days off, so my mind is sharp, well, sort of. Anyhow, on this Wednesday, I shall ask, Women, why do we love love love to gossip? I mean, we women really eat that shit up. I'm sure men gossip too, but it goes a little something like this: "Yo, you know Phil is fucking Mike's ol' girl, Stacy.... What?! Son" Anyhow, it's over in like 5 minutes, tops. Women will sound a little more like this: "Oh my God! I have to tell you the most outrageous thing. Okay, you remember Stacey right? She went out with Brian, Mark, and Philip in middle school, and she fucked like five football players in high school. I think she got an abortion too. Anyway, she's fucking Mike Sanders one week AND now Philip Scott! Can you believe it? Let me start at the beginning...."

I'm aware that there are more differences amongst women/men than there are differences between men and women, but gossiping is totally different between the sexes. Women, Why are we obsessed with other peoples' affairs? Why do we behave as if our family/friends/coworkers woes are better than reality T.V.? And to top it all off, the juicier and more outrageous, the better!!! Men just keep it general, but we women love to know/tell the ENTIRE story... From the rooter to the tooter. Women, why are we hell-bent on knowing other people's business? And then why do we spread it around?

Women... Are we cunning and ruthless? Do we love to see misery in others' lives and love to spread it? Or are our minds constantly inquiring, and we simply want to know... And we'd like others to know also? Why, oh why do we gossip about real life drama like it's a new VH1 series? Why do we love it so?

I'll admit that I'm currently in the throws of a gossip session with my two favorites, Will Work For Shoes and Rogue Scholar; however, it's more humorous than back-stabbing. If you've never heard Will Work For Shoes excitedly tell you a piece of juicy gossip, then it's totally your loss. She gets so animated that it's hard to resist getting caught up in the story. Yet, we aren't telling the rest of the free world; it's just between us girls. As for why we enjoy it so, I can only guess it's reassuring us that we're not gauche or crazy. Well, not too gauche or crazy. Hehe...

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Crotch Rockettes

2006-12-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Oh, it's only natural that Will Work For Shoes and Rogue Scholar are in my head, and better still, ahead of time. I was going to post my opinion on the opinion that going "commando" is oh so taboo. Let me begin with what "Commando" is: commando is not wearing underwear. As for myself, I have been a "commando" advocate since high school. I don't wear panties unless I have to or I want to; the latter being not much at all. I wouldn't wear a tit-sling either, but gravity would make that look icky when I'm 35, and that ain't right. I do still love to buy panties because I'm a shopaholic and running out of panties is a signal that I need to do laundry (I think I buy them to avoid doing laundry by now). Anyhow, going sans panties is not some kind of statement or feminist mumbo jumbo, I just prefer no panties for comfort. It used to be that I'd only go commando with pants or shorts, but now it's reached out to skirts and dresses; however, mini anything calls for panties (garters and stalkings can only help the outfit). I do tend to have a sense of relief when I see women herded into Victoria's Secrets because I've been told and retold that men love no panties better than thongs. It's quicker, more revealing, and it shows some flare. Wooooooo!!!

It was yesterday on the radio that I heard two different sides to chicks who go commando. The first was a sound clip of the ladies from The View... and that bull Rosie O'Donnell. The opinion of all combined was that going without panties, this being discussed after Britney Spears' crotch exposure, is horribly wrong and offensive. I not only disagree, but that Rosie gets on my nerves, so I switched stations, and these other DJs (2 of which were men, and 2 women) were saying that the new trend of no panties was disgusting. Then the guys said it was nasty. I was shocked... two different radio stations discussing commando... guys not liking easy access... What?! I switched the station again and opted for classical.

It all became clear when Will Work For Shoes sent me an email (titled: "These Girls Are Nasty) on the aforementioned topic, and IMs between herself and Rogue Scholar; these made all the hype crystal clear. With actresses/songstresses Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan (The Crotch Rockettes) all going commando, it had blown out of proportion. Apparently, the Crotch Rockettes are not only neglecting to wear panties, they want to be photographed stepping out of their limos in mini skirts/dresses, legs splayed, coochie out to be photographed also. And VOILA! A trend is born. Ummm, ewwww and no! I may not want to wear panties for comfort, but I'd find it highly uncomfortable to see pictures of my vag everywhere. Britney just had a baby (and shows off her C-section scar), Paris already has a sex tape and reinvented the "plumber's crack" fad, and Lindsay is notorious for being a whore or a drunken whore; I don't think they are the calibre that most men would want a glimpse at their pussies... A little too loose. The new worry is that young impressionable girls will follow in their footsteps, especially since there is so much hype surrounding the topic, and since The Crotch Rockettes' twats can be seen in magazines and via the internet. Just look at the attention one can get for something so insignificant! I'll just say this to worrisome parents, "Buy them a Victoria's Secret gift card, and don't buy them a limo...."

Whether or not this new trend that the Crotch Rockettes have began takes off, I'll still do my thing. The talk around town is that not wearing panties is unsafe, but I don't see how a thong can ever be considered protection, so again, I'll do my thing. When I'm in a skirt or dress, I sit like a lady, and when I'm wearing pants, it is only then I'll sit like a boy. Sans paparazzi. Sans limo. With a hint of grace. The Crotch Rockettes' new trend will only appeal to those girls who were whorey to begin with; the rest of us will just keep crossing our legs.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-11-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Wow, it's Thursday already? Why, Women are we always late.....? (Clears throat)

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Tramedy... The Fall of "Kramer"

2006-11-25T10:27:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

In a world filled with hate, we could all use a little bit more comedy. However, a group of laugh-seekers found themselves being inundated with hate at a comedy club of all places, and there was nothing funny about it. Michael Richards, most notoriously known as Cosmo "Kramer" on the acclaimed television series Seinfeld, had a blow up and breakdown during his stand up routine at the comedy club "The Laugh Factory". (If you go to Youtube.com and search for Richards, you too can bear witness to his undoing.) Apparently, some of the audience members, who coincidentally were black, were interrupting his act by talking, and may have heckled him on top of that. Richards thought the best way to deal with the situation was to become the most racist and antagonistic comedian ever to be born; the audience members and America does not agree. I was shocked to see him lose it like that, and more so, what he was harboring in his heart. Ultimately, I was shocked and appalled that people continued to enjoy a show and comedian that were clearly unraveling before their eyes.

I am well aware racism is alive and well, and perhaps, will never die. I have accepted this. I also accept that Michael Richards may be a racist. What annoyed me about the clip I watched was that some audience members laughed through the whole incident, as if "Kramer" was just being crazy, spunky "Kramer"; rather than noting that Michael Richards was being an angry bigot. The word nigger has too much weight and power for my liking. Fuck saying "The 'N' Word"; nothing is too horrible to say. Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger... there. It's silliness. Richards screaming nigger over and over wasn't as big an issue for me as the maliciousness he was going for by screaming the word. Ranting and screaming about what would have happened fifty years ago to blacks, with a notion that it's a pity that it's not currently still in practice, is fucking outrageous. If we are to get past, well, the past, then in the present, that kind of ignorance is a huge setback to getting over it. Michael Richards isn't "Kramer", and if "Kramer" was as racist as Richards, then Seinfeld wouldn't have lasted a season, and he wouldn't have been the lovable character we know so well.

An apology was made to "Afro-Americans" (shakes head) on Letterman after the incident (which can also be viewed on Youtube.com), but I could care less. I'm not convinced. Neither was the Letterman audience who continued to laugh as if wacky "Kramer" was at it again, couldn't take him serious; Seinfeld, Richards, and Letterman tried to stop the giggles. I do believe that he is truly sorry he won't get much work, the public thinks he's a dick, and now his career will be overshadowed by his outburst. However, do I think he is apologizing to niggers, I mean Afro-Americans? Again, I'm not convinced. I'm only convinced that that man needs cue cards at ALL times, and should not speak unless his PR clears his statements. "I'm sorry" won't take anything back, and in most cases, it only serves as insurance it won't happen again... in public, at least. But what's done is done, and our idea of wacky "Kramer" is done. As that heckling nigger so eloquently put it, "You're done... all you had was Seinfeld... that's it"; I too agree that Richards is finished. One way to become Hollywood poison and America's most mocked is to have a racial outburst before the masses. True enough, comedian Dave Chappelle and Carlos Mencia incorporate a lot of racial jokes into their routine, but it's not one group in particular; they are equal opportunity racists. They also don't deliver their jokes with hatred and malice oozing from every pore. I would have been disappointed and appalled at whatever ethnic group Richards spazzed on, but condoning what the Klan would and should do to niggers is like a comedian joking that Hitler had the most brilliant idea of what to do with the Jews. See... it'll never be funny. Perhaps that talk is better left at the rallies, Mr. Richards, not at comedy clubs. Tsk tsk.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo ("Kramer")

P.S. When were forks stuck up upside down niggers' asses? Did I miss that in history class?

Why Women Wednesday

2006-11-22T07:41:00.001-08:00

Witizens,

As the Massive Turkey Genocide Day approaches, I find myself thinking of good eats, good drinks, good times, and good football games. It's in fact, all good. What I'm not thinking about is awaking the next day to fight, claw, and bite my way through the mall for the "Annual After Thanksgivings Day Sale So You Can Try To Cram All Of A Year's Worth Of Christmas Shopping Into One All Day Event"... Women Why? Just fucking why?

In reality, those "sales" prices are probably comparable to when you first saw it and wanted all that shit for yourself to begin with. Most stores will hyper inflate the price, then mark it down by a large percentage, and Voila! A sale is born. Women, why bother with waking super early to avoid the unavoidable parking lot fiasco, ridiculous lines, the endless searching... the anarchy? Why spend the day after you've stuffed yourself gorging on marked down items? Is it like Shopping Kombat? Do you do it for sport? At the end of a long and tiresome day, I'm sure more money is spent because "it was all on sale" than what should have been spent. Why go bankrupt in a day? Is it because the word "sale" is everywhere?

For those women who love me to pieces, I ask for only one gift this season: don't "Sale", err I mean sell yourselves out by going out there in that madness for a gift me... not even for me. Have yourselves a Happy Thanksgiving. Kisses.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

The Christmas Spell

2006-11-17T12:35:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

It is the end of a glorious week; glorious due to the awesome weather down here in South Florida. If you've never been to the sunshine state, do yourself a favor and come during the winter. To come during the summer is to embrace the sun itself. It's fucking hot down here in the summer, but winters are brisk and, you guessed it, sunny. With the weather changing, I can feel a change in my mood also. I've been more cheerful and "how do you do?" to everyone, even strangers. I've also found that I've been in the mood for snuggling, cuddling, and canoodling, which is groundbreaking for an attachment phobe such as myself. I wonder if there is a name for the condition of being more touchy-feely in the winter. Climate Intimacy... Climacy? Anyhow, if there is a name, then I am that. In the summers, I'm not at all interested in being touched; everything feels sweaty and stickier. But winter... aaaah, winter is the most wonderful time of the year.

Side note:
Fashion also plays a huge part of the magic in the air. I love dark clothes, and autumn/winter is the best time to don my dark goodies. Ooh, and all the accessories, i.e. hats, scarves, sweaters, boots... I love them all. I know I sound a lot like Jackie Berkhart from "That 70s Show", but it's true. Winter fashion kicks ass! (Clears throat) I'll proceed...

Every year, around the same time (right before Halloween), I experience these feelings. It has to be the magic of winter, the holidays, and the chill in the air. Maybe it's all that bundling up that makes cuddling seem awesome. Le sigh... It appears that I'm a weather whore. The thing is, I notice it in others too. Men are holding the door for me more than usual. Hell, women are also holding the door. My family is hugging more. The children are cheerful. My cat is more of a snuggle bum... All is right with the world. God Bless Us, Everyone.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-11-15T07:49:00.000-08:00

Witizens,

Sisters, hear my cry of inquiry! And please, riddle me this... Why Women, do guys say that the woman's private area has a fishy smell? I know I'm crossing the line, but so is having a rank tuna smell wafting from between thine legs. It has apparently happened on so many occasions that all guys think all girls have that smell. For the motherfucking record, that is not true. Cleanliness will eliminate any odors, so the key is to be clean ladies. I remember a commercial in which a girl asks her mother, "Mom, do you douche?" I only remember because it was a horribly embarrassing commercial growing up with three older brothers. It didn't matter that I didn't even know what that was; I knew it was girly and private. Cut to the present day, and not only do I realize it's girly, but also that it's necessary. Why, women, are you more embarrassed at buying things to help with the upkeep of your vagina than the aftermath of neglecting it? Why is it embarrassing at all?

Not for the weak at heart...

If you don't have heart to hearts with your mom, and you want to know what, when, where, how, and (my fave) why you should use a douche, just think of it as an internally cleaning method. Soap and water is all fine and dandy, but that won't really get all up in it. Would you use soap and water clean your teeth? Of course not. So, in the case of your snatch, every once in awhile (3-6 months), just give yourself some spring cleaning. There are some warnings and drawbacks to overusing these products, but if done properly, it is beneficial. Apropos, there are warnings and drawbacks to smelling like Chicken of the Sea. Bad odors are usually a sign of some kind of lack in hygiene, or worse, infection. It is safer to be clean and stay clean, that way if something is off, you'll always be the first to know... and not some poor bastard going down on you. Why, women, would you even let a guy go down there if you're feeling less than fresh? UGH!

If you don't want to take my witsy word for it, then ask a doctor... Or family/friends. Better yet, ask the guy who's giving you face (oral sex) if he'd rather your vag's natural scent, or spring/flower scented. I'm no man, but my olfactory senses tell me I'm onto something. If you won't do it for the masses, do it for yourself. Please remember, cleanliness is close to Godliness... And do it to decimate that long running stereotype that girls smell like fish. What a fucking travesty!

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Congratulations Dr. King

2006-11-13T05:13:00.000-08:00

Today marks an historical day in American history. For the first time, a great American who was black will be honored in Washington DC at the National Mall. The groundbreaking for Dr. Martin Luther King's memorial is scheduled for today at 9:00AM. Many people will be there for this event, I wish I was one of them. One of those people is the great poetess, Maya Angelou. She plans to read a poem written by another and I want to take this chance to share it with you all. She said she chose it because it is perfect for today and the mood and the atmosphere of our society. It truly moved me and I hope it does you too.

Frederick Douglass

When it is finally ours, this freedom, this liberty, this beautiful and terrible thing, needful to man as air, usable as earth; when it belongs at last to all, when it is truly instinct, brain matter, diastole, systole, reflex action; when it is finally won; when it is more than the gaudy mumbo jumbo of politicians:this man, this Douglass, this former slave, this Negro beaten to his knees, exiled, visioning a world where none is lonely, none hunted, alien, this man, superb in love and logic, this man shall be remembered. Oh, not with statues' rhetoric, not with legends and poems and wreaths of bronze alone, but with the lives grown out of his life, the lives fleshing his dream of the beautiful, needful thing.

by Robert Hayden

Please take a moment today to think about all the struggles and the comforts of your life. Think about all those who came before you and did unimaginable things to allow you the freedoms you have today. Thank those people and think about what you can do for your future, your child's future and the world's future.

Will Work For Shoes

Why Women Wednesday

2006-11-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

Witizens:

I remember seeing a Chris Rock stand up, and he asked the very same question that I wanted to write about today. I'd really like to know the answer to this one. Why, Women, do you hate other women so much? I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of girls, but a woman that has her shit together doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's those silly ass women that behave more like girls that annoy me. However, in general, I find that women fucking loathe other women so much that they become like the characters on their favorite soap operas/reality shows. Why the intense hatred? Why the lack of trust? Why is it always about some man?

I used to work with two other females in my office. One had her shit together (cool), and the other was the oldest and seemed the most lost (crazy). As soon as I (the baby) was added to the equation, the whole thing fucking fell apart. With it only being the two of them for so long, they had kept it civil. When a third person arrived, it allowed them to vocalize their undying hatred for one another. Lucky me. I got to enjoy them fighting like cats and more evil cats, scheme on each other, try to outscheme the schemes, and ultimately break down and quit because they had driven themselves mad. It was like watching a car crash; horrific, but you just can't look away. The hatred between them was so strong, that they then try to form alliances with me, and I felt like a fucking "Survivor" finalist. More so, I felt like the only mature one in the office. It finally got weird for me when the cool one quit, and I was left alone with the crazy one. When I would do anything domestic around the office (cleaning, bringing in homemade goodies, and all in low-cut tops and high heels), she would go ballistic and snap, "Stop that! They might start expecting us to do it!!" Why can't women work together without feeling like the other XX carrier is "Out to destroy" her? Why is it all so over the top?

I think there is a general lack of trust amongst women. I've repetitiously heard, "You can't trust another woman", "Don't let a female in your home/around your man", and my personal fave: "I know how women are...". Yet, I don't know why there is this disloyalty amongst our sex. Men don't go around saying how men are "out to destroy them", nor do they constantly chop a fellow fellow down. Women, why are you stabbing your own kind in the back? Why do you shoot those daggers at other females when they are with an attractive man? Why would you ever think you can convince men that you are their equal and can get what they've accomplished done, yet you consider members of your own gender as worthless and backstabbing? Why do you hate the female coworker that makes the same 75% of the men folk's income, but not the man staring down through that glass ceiling over both of your heads? Women, why not just consider yourselves female chauvinists?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Wonderful World of Disney

2006-11-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

Witizens:

I just got back from my birthday Walt Disney World vacation, and it will definitely be a memorable experience. It deffo kicked off with a BANG (clears throat)! Where in the hell should I begin? Ooh, first, I stayed at the coolest couple's (Will Work For Shoes & her hubby) pad in Orlando; we kicked off the celebrations on Thursday night. It was an awesome birthday just chilling, drinking, and chiefing with old school friends. The next day, I had plans to have brunch with a few friends. I pulled up to the restaurant to find my friend in shock because she'd just locked her newborn in the car. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, so he was cool and comfortable, but she was crying hysterically because he was crying and well... she'd just locked her baby in the car. We calmed her down and assured her she wasn't the worst mother in the world, and we called the police, who sent firemen out to break into the car. YAY!! Disaster averted. We all went on to have lunch, and I spent most of the day with her and the little one. I squealed a whole big bunch.

That night is when the Disney experience officially kicked off. I met up with my partner in crime, Lioness of Zion, at the hotel room (we call it the JAGGER Room) and it was on from there. Fear & Loathing at Disney had begun. Here's a little bit of history on Lionness and Not~So~Cosmo at Disney: We go fucking nuts. We drink and smoke ourselves RETARDED. We drop more cash on silly trinkets and Disney memorabilia than we do on bills. We scream random inside jokes. We holla at all kinds of guys (single or with their families), from all over, so we call it "Pimpin' All Over the World"... We are Hunter S. and his attorney, only it's not in a sess pool like Vegas where our antics would easily be overlooked; it all goes down in a family setting. We push everything to the limit. Needless to say, we were so hyped to be at Disney again, that the festivities began when I walked into the room. Then we set off for dinner and bowling with friends, and that was the first mistake. Rule #1: "Never EVER leave the Disney compound." We had never broken that rule, and here we were racing to our own undoing.

Bowling was cool, but not as wild and crazy as it usually is. I don't know, something was missing. After that, we went and drank more. Lots more. After that, we drunkenly drove back to the hotel; Lioness, myself, and two more people that I'll just call "JCC" and "Apathy". Again, a cardinal rule was broken. Rule #2: "Only the Lioness and Not~So~Cosmo can stay in the JAGGER Room." The events that occurred in our JAGGER suite will not be accounted for in writing. I will say this: "I will blame plenty on alcohol, and I would do anything for love... but I won't do that." I ended up getting pissed. Fuck that! I ended up LOATHING everything, and FEARING for everyone's safety because I was so out of control. If I had a hammer, I'd have hammered that morning. I didn't fall asleep until a ridiculous hour, and woke up at 7am for a wonderful day at Disney.

Rule #3: "In Walt Disney World, you have to be happy. You HAVE to!!" So, I put my best foot forward and had the BEST TIME EVER. The Lioness made it uber fun, but there was a entity born on Friday; "Jimmy Crack Corn". I awoke on Saturday and said that our guests had a real "Jimmy Crack Corn, and I Don't Care" mentale, and the song stuck with us for rest of the trip. To top it off, we went to the coolest restaurant in Epcot, and the actual song was playing inside the restaurant. Oh, how God has the best sense of humor. The restaurant rotated, and in one spot, they played the song; we got to hear it three times. Jimmy cracking his corn, and no one giving a damn. We were in hysterics. Then I say (in my bitchiest tone ever), "Well meet my Jimmy Crack Corn, and he's better than yours...", and then went on to say how I was more apathetic than anyone. Sure, it was the bitchiest, most juvenile thing ever, but then again, we were at Disney; I get transported to adolescence all over again. We finished the day with nothing but smiles and comments about "Jimmy Crack Corn", or "Crack Crack Crack Corn, Bitch". Ahh, good times. That night we went to Epcot's Food and Wine Tour (more like Wine & Wine Tour) and proceeded to get retarded... The rest of the trip would have needed a recorder and transcripts.

In the end, I had a blast. Rule #4: "Don't let anything fuck up the Disney magic because it costs too much." The last two rules were the only ones we adhered to, and we had a fantastic time. Sure, some parts were very goyish, but we paid for fun, fear, and loathing, and that's exactly what we got. With the adaption of the "Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care" mentality, the Lioness and I no longer feared to get on any rides, and we no longer loathed anyone or anything. I do believe the whole trip was saved by Jimmy's corn cracking ass. I love that guy.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why? Women? Wednesday?

2006-11-01T07:42:00.000-08:00

Witizens:

I will get to the point as quickly as possible, due to the nature of today's inquiry. Why, Women, do we ask so many questions? Wait... let that irony sink in a minute... Okay, and I'll proceed. I am guilty of asking too many questions, obviously, but I'm not a fan of how women ask questions. What I mean is, it takes the average girl at least five questions just to find out what her boyfriend's doing on his birthday. It seems like the questions start small and then build up to the main question (the point) of all those questions. Women, why not just ask exactly what you want to know outright? Why include questions that you already know the answer to? Why are you questioning the poor guy like you're Matlock or Perry Mason?

I remember a certain gentleman told me, "I'm done being interrogated", and it was my wake-up call that I was badgering the witness. After that, I tried to ask questions only when I didn't understand something as opposed to being curious (nosy), or asking questions to affirm what I already knew. It cut down on my questions by 90%. I know when we women like someone, we want to know everything about them. However, pace yourself and let the poor fellow breathe. Asking questions is a great way to learn things, but so is just being observant and listening. It seems we women are more interested in what is being withheld, as opposed to what is being shared. It is possible that a person would like to retain a small part of themselves and keep it to themselves. It is also possible to love someone without knowing the very intricate inner workings of their minds. There is one particular question that women ask, and I absolutely loathe: "What are you thinking?". Please try to avoid asking that fucking question, no matter how tempted you feel, especially if you are hoping for an answer similar to "You... I was thinking about you". Just don't do it. If it makes you feel any better, just assume he's always thinking about you, and carry on. Why, women, do you want to get in their heads and know all the things that aren't being shared?

I also recall one morning that I was typing to three different men on AOL (all friends, of course). They all told me that I was really lucid, clear, and dead-on with everything I said for some reason. After I heard it from each one of them, I realized I hadn't asked one question. It was all just statements, listening, and responding to what was being said. They loved that shit. So did I, to be honest. I wasn't aware I was doing anything special until they pointed it out, but the conversations were going delightfully smooth for me too. In the philosophy of Morpheus, I didn't think so much, I knew so much.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

If You Prick Me, I Bleed

2006-10-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

I know from my sarcastic tone and the "Why Women Wednesday" posts that I may come across as a know-it-all, infallible, and somewhat insensitive person. Oh well. There is nothing I can do to change a reader's perspective and I won't try. I will share just how much I occasionally girl out, and you can reach your own conclusions. I'll start with yesterday and how for no known reason, I was superdeduper irritable. I read an email, and I was set off. I had stuff blow up at work, and I was set the fuck off. Everything else that happened just added to this mountain of doom, and I just couldn't help wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. This all sounds quite normal to the average girl, but for me, it was very off putting. For one, I am not a yeller or screamer. Second, I am super sarcastic and will laugh at myself quite easily, so the moodiness over the email was out of character. Third, I usually could give two shits about anything work related, so I didn't understand that frustration either. Then I got frustrated with my frustration.... Yeah, it was one of those days. To avoid snapping at innocent bystanders, I refused to talk to anyone unless it was absolutely necessary. You know why? Cause I'm cool like that.

Transferring and displacing anger are totally lousy, and should not be done. Ever! No kicking the dog because you're pissed at the cat. That shit's not cool. I have been a witness to the way women behave when they are P.M.S.ing, and how they treat innocent civilians as if it were these people that personally stabbed their vagina and made it bleed. Ladies, stop that. It's not cute and you make us all seem crazy. Well, we are, but we don't have to act like it. I tried suppressing my female rage yesterday, and for the most part, I think I did a pretty good job. I also had to quarantine myself to ensure that, but I still recognized it as my own personal issue. I realized any war path I was on was due to the inner battle that was being waged.

I still managed to have a slight attitude in my emails, with my coworkers, and anyone else I had to speak to, but it was subtle and somewhat deserved. I'm generally too nice, so a little attitude is welcomed and most of all, well deserved when I do display it. Today started out much better, but I made the mistake of watching most of The Notebook before heading off to work. Oy vey! I nearly called out from work due to an emotional breakdown. Yesterday, anger. Today, crying, laughing, and loving everything. Fucking estrogen! To top it all off, I kept thinking of my current crush mixed in with Noah from the film, so I had this Noah/My beau concoction in my head all day... Then it became "if I'm a bird, then I want him to be a bird too"... Once again, fucking estrogen.

I take, make love, ache, and fake just like a woman. But I break just like a little girl. I am human. I am a woman. I am sometimes crazy, moody, and emotional for no existing reason. I complain too much. I give too many excuses. I like pro sports teams based on the colors of the uniform and the attractiveness of the players. I check my makeup while driving. I talk on the phone too much. I heart shopping. I enjoy spending money. I love cooking. I hate making mistakes. I don't "do" gross. I see babies and make that God-awful cooing sound. Ditto for any newborn animals. In short, if you prick me, I do bleed, but I will not make it anyone else's fault.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-10-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

Bonjour, ladies. This question was posed to me, and I've thought of it in the past few weeks myself. Why, Women, do you think that having a baby to trap a man will ever work? Why would creating life ever be the "easy" alternative to securing a partner? Isn't there something smaller and more reasonable that can be done? For example, wouldn't becoming a better you, or just learning to let go of a dead relationship be more feasible? If not, WHY?

I'm not a mother (if it's not painfully obvious), and I don't know if I ever will be. What I am damn sure of is that a decision like that won't be to "make the relationship work". Ummm... NO! That is ricockulous. If a man wants to leave, he'll leave. A baby won't make him stay, and may make him flee faster. Sometimes the women will say the classic line, "Leave! Me and my baby don't need you..." or will act as if they've gotten an abortion, but really don't. Also, there are these cases of women who get knocked up and never tell the father, only to return like a ghost of pussy past, and spring a kid on the man years after the fact (and sex). On top of possibly ruining this guy's new relationship and life, these women want money for their unknown kids. What the hell? I'm not saying a man isn't responsible for the life he helped create; on the other hand, it's not fair to men to be tricked, hoodwinked, and bamboozled into being a father. Why would you want a father for your child that feels tricked into being a dad?

I've heard women say they'd love to get pregnant from superstars and athletes, and I'm guessing it's a way to secure a lifelong bond with these men, as well as a lifelong bond with their money. Le sigh. What about that lifelong bondage of a kid? Is that forgotten? If being pregnant, gaining weight, breast feeding, taking care of a baby, losing sleep, and never being able to go out like I do now is the EASY alternative, then I'll stick with the difficult stuff. Thanks! I don't want to retire in my twenties from the workplace, and become a housewife. If that's what these women consider the easy life, then I feel sorry for their kids. There better be a court order involved to make me stop partying for the next nine months. Women, why are you enslaving yourself to a life of servitude to your child in the hopes to enslave a man to you?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

GhettoRAGE!... Is It In You?

2006-10-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

Shortly after Albert Haynesworth "stomped" on Andre Gurode's head, and nearly got himself lynched for it, we had the displeasure of witnessing the following debacle. Sportsmanlike conduct is dead. Roid rages are alive and kicking (biting, punching, stomping, and suplexing). I only wish someone would inform some of these players that perhaps a game like football, or any contact sport really, is just not their thing. I know, why not try UFC or boxing? That way it is the goal to beat the hell out of one another. Let's leave the sports with finesse to the players that actually have it.

UM-FIU

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

'Delishus' Flavor O' Love

2006-10-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

The lovable, laughable, and unimaginable hit series "Flavor of Love" has come to an end for it's second season. PLOT SPOILER AHEAD: Since my last post on the show, every girl was eliminated, save Delishus, and an oldie, but slutty contestant came back from Season 1... New York. I don't know whether that whore is bipolar or just the worst actress/T.V. personality EVER, but I don't like her. I know that's the point of her character, but I don't like that either. There are ways to be unlikable without being that dramatic. Oh God, and that includes New York's horse of a mother also; she's somehow worse than that daughter of hers.

So of course New York tried to make it the "New York Show", and of course I wished I could witness television's first spontaneous human combustion. She arrived on the set looking as if she had been on the famous Hollywood diet, the Cocaine diet, and somehow managed to be sluttier and more obnoxious than last season. Although she tried to pass it off as classy, she's trashy. And that bitch can barely read. Delishus ran circles around New York, so it was no surprise that Delishus won this season. The surprise was that New York was even in the running with her ridiculous tactics; i.e. calling Flav's children "little bastards" or physically assaulting other girls. As if it weren't apparent enough by her fake hair, eyes, and nails, I'll state it for the record: everything about that bitch is fake. Her crying fits...fake. Her temper tantrums...fake. Her mind blowing orgasm noises... FAKE! So I can only assume her motive for being on the show is not for love, so even that is fake, as well.

It turns out that New York will have her own VH1 series entitled: "Floverette" or something comparably stupid. Once again a spin off is made from a spin off, and this leaves my tummy spinning. Delishus announced on both T.V. and radio that she was concerned most about Flav's refusal to eliminate New York. She even went so far as to totally let the snake out of the bag by quoting Flav in saying that "I could not eliminate New York if I wanted to; it's not my choice". For all of us who ever suspected that no girls in their right minds would compete with each other for Flav's love alone, well, we were correct. Publicity sells. Exposure sells. Scandal sells. And Flav sold out. If he couldn't eliminate New York, then the clock ceremonies and all that bullshit was, well... bullshit. If New York was only there to promote her own show, then it was worse than I ever imagined. I'm not sure if Delishus was trying to bust on her man or discredit New York, but she totally exposed that "Flavor of Love" was a sham.

I am still happy that New York got fucked and dumped for two seasons in a row, but then, I'm sure that was the point. Flav found true love, and it was Delishus. New York got dissed, and the viewing audience is ecstatic. And for suffering twice, New York gets her own show. All the other eliminated girls got their exposure and will end up on a rap video. Voila! Everyone goes home happy. What a load of bullocks!

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

**Here's what you missed if you didn't see the finale. Enjoy!**

Flavor of Love 2 Final Elimination

*_*

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-10-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

It's about that time... Inquiring minds want to know... I want to know!!! Why, Women, are you so pressed for a man these days? I know we women love the thought of finding our one true love and blah blah blah blah blah. However, do you really think skanking it up with just any and everybody is going to make that happen? Or do you think that porn pics on Myspace is going to help? Or cybersex with AOLers? How about spoiling/buying guys? Why have you become the aggressors (chasers) and the men the prize? Why are you making the supply for pussy so extremely high that the demand is so flippin' low? Yeah, I said it.

Now, I am no prude, but I still have some old fashioned standards. Like... ah yes, not outright paying for dick. Just not cute. I don't mean that I never pay for anything; that's absurd. What I won't do is lure a man in and attract him with money. Some of these women are making themselves out to be a "Nurse With a Purse" for these guys, and then feel used when the guy continually "forgets his wallet". Ummm, you're his lady not his mother, Women. Why do you feel the need to lure men in with anything other than just being you?

Another old fashioned standard is not making myself into a pseudo porn star on the internet... sorry fellas. The photos of myself on the internet are the same body image you'd see passing me on the street. No pics of me bending over with a thong, no boob shots, and deffo no large objects placed near any orifices shots. What the hell are you women thinking? If you're going to slut it up, don't do it for free! Oh... you thought it was a moral standpoint I was taking? Not so much. If you're going to take these pics, get paid. If you're going to call up random AOLers for phone sex, get paid as a professional. If you're going to suffer carpal tunnel syndrome from all the cybersex, get fucking paid (you'll need the cash for the treatment anyway)! Why are you settling for just the attention of any man if you really want true love? Why not go for good attention? Why not wait on "the one"?Why be so hard up?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Makos Mondays

2006-10-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

What used to be termed "Margaritas Mondays", in which I lay out at the beach or pool, and down many a frozen drink is under renovation. It has not been the case for about three weeks. For starters, I'm usually nursing a hangover from a Sunday or Monday night football game. Second, the last beach day I had was cut short due to sharks at the beach (yes, flippin' sharks!). Lastly, I just don't have the spirit right now. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions as of late, and I hate roller coasters... and I hate being emotional, as well.

South Florida Winter...

Or the lack thereof, is quickly approaching. I can tell because it's not so humid outside, and the waves are crashing in towards the shore so much harder. As was the case a few weeks back at my beach... yeah, it's mine. Anyway, I noticed the water was a bit "saucy", so I didn't go in too far. Another thing that struck me as odd was this HUMONGOUS dark patch of water about 15 feet from the shore. Now, I'm no oceanographer, but I know the water near the shore shouldn't be as dark as the water sitting back near the horizon. Hmm, fishy. This caused me to get out of the water and go lay out some more, but I kept an eye on the dark waters. Optical illusion? Too many 'ritas? Too much bud? I couldn't tell, but I was willing to witness it on the sand. Minutes after I got out of the water, the lifeguard kicked everyone out of the water,and raised the "Red Flag". I asked my neighboring beach loafers what the ruckus was, and they said that there was a school of fish and sharks were feeding on them in the water near the shore. Aha, that explained those "dark waters"; they were fish. The loafers were talking amongst themselves about going in the water to get a closer look at the mako sharks, and that was my cue to leave; I don't do bloodshed.

Mako Exit...

I packed up my beach bag, and headed to my car when a thought struck me. If Jaws were set on a predominantly black beach, it would have been as long as a public service announcement or commercial. I decided to watch the events from a safe spot, the stairs leading to my car. It was an awesome view! When the waves broke where the fishes were, the small fish would jump out of the water. Awesome!! I could also see the makos from that distance and they were HUGE still. Awesome!!! They were swimming so quickly that I decided that my beach will be on loan to the sharks for the winter. I'll opt for the poolside margaritas instead.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-10-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

It's another Hump Day, even if "ain't nobody humpin' around" around here. Celibacy is a load of bullocks. Ummm, strike that last statement from the record. As you all know, it is time for me to fire off a number of questions geared at the "sugar and spice and everything nice" gender. Why, Women do you carry on a relationship with a man you suspect to be gay, bisexual, bi-curious, or part gay? With all the denial that goes into a traditional romance, suspecting your man has tendencies is the biggest RED FLAG to get the hell out of the relationship. "Does he love me? Does he cheat? Is he gay?"... ummm, that last one has got to go. I mean, none of those suspicions are healthy, but dammit man, that last suspicion has got to go. Why? Because the first two are typical suspicions/accusations that most females' crazy brains will manifest. Is he gay? Well, that takes a little help from the male's personality/lifestyle. Why, Women, do you try to turn a gay man straight? Why do you think you can?

Now, to be fair, there are some women that are caught completely off guard by their partner's coming out. I call these women naive. Then there are the women that always had a sinking suspicion that his hair, brows, clothes, and that delicately-raised pinky were all a bit too femme, but they plow full speed ahead into love anyway. I call these women stupid. Let me help to point out distinguishing characteristics:

1) He wants a finger in his ass
2) He wants you to use the sex toy on him
3) He cares more about his hair than you care about yours and his combined
4) He enjoys watching or talking about you with another man
5) His obsession with ass and anal play/sex is borderline unhealthy
6) He touches his eyebrows in any fashion, even if it is a unibrow
7) He would allow those "Queer Eye" guys to touch him for a makeover
8) He goes to gay clubs "for the music"
9) He owns more beauty products than you do
10) He adores show tunes

I don't want to hear that sexually open bullshit, nor the "Metrosexual" clause gay men are using these days. It's just not convincing me. And neither should it convince you other women. Why doesn't your "Gaydar" go off when your lover is more ladylike than you are? Were you the type of women that were obsessed with being "Mr.s George Michael" back in the day? Metrosexual... pish posh. I liked it better in the good old days when I called them "Queens" because that's what they are. A real man is too oblivious to the world of Cosmopolitan to give a shit about what us women care about, and the moment they begin to care, they care to attract who we attract: men.

Why do women crave these Ken types, and not so much the G.I. Joe types? Why are we manning up more than the guys we are attracted to? And who in the hell told these men to open up more and cry? Was it you, women? If so, ummmm, WHY?!

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

NFL, Stella, & The Heart-Breaking Bar-Hopper

2006-10-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

If it's not apparent that I pretty much dig most sports, then I'll plainly state it: I heart sports. I can watch just about any major sport, except golf or fishing... just no. Anyhow, I've taken to going to a sports bar (I won't name drop) that is three minutes away from my house. This is awesome, seeing as though I can get pretty shit-faced and the drive isn't long. I know, I know... drunk driving is soooo awwwwfuuul (unless you trump it by going off on Jews and then the whole pesty DUI thingy is forgotten). I enjoy the simple things in life. I go to das bar. I drink my Stella Artois. I yell, hoop, and holler during the football game. And I break the boys' hearts.

Le Sigh...

This is the problem: when guys are watching a sport, I've advised women to shut up. So, when I'm at the bar, and these dudes try to "holla", I get extremely annoyed. I'm not a total bitch, so if some guy is just shooting the shit about the current game on the tele, then kudos. The moment he starts with the "where do you live...work...what do you do for fun?" bullshit, I then take it as my personal duty to tell them to piss off in the most comical way... for me. For starters, asking someone, "what do you do for fun?" when they are in a sports bar drinking, watching the game, and cheering with glee is the dumbest fucking question. I follow it up with, "Well... this, minus you talking to me...", or something else horribly mean.
I would think this would get them to shut up or leave me alone, but alas, it does not. When a guy is drunk, you really have to drive the point home; I'm learning this and it pains me. I like to be witty, and there's no room for wit when telling a guy you don't want to go home with him. And "No!" works, but it has to be repeated, and I hate being redundant; there's no wit in it. My new tactic is to ask them what a girl should do to get a guy to leave her alone, and after they tell me, I simply do that to them. It works, but I'm usually drunk by that time. My sober mind is a patient mind.

My intentions are not to hurt guys' feelings, so if there is a painless way to reject someone, I'd opt for that. A speedy rejection is also required so that I'm not missing too much of the game. If anyone knows of a sure way to speedily reject a guy without hurting his pride, then I'm all ears. Pretty soon, I will be banned from my current sports bar for unsportsmanlike conduct or unnecessary roughness on the male ego, and that ain't right.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Thank Somebody... It's Friday

2006-10-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

As another week comes to an end (at least for you lucky ducks that don't work Sat. and Sun.... bastards...), a weekend begins. Even though I'll be in tomorrow, I'm still ecstatic about the weekend. HOOORRAAAYYYY!!!! I am happy for you and your days off; you've all earned it for slaving for The Machine. Take life by the balls these next two days, and do what you want to do. It will make next week's Monday more bearable, I promise.

Actually, I am just happy all around. Sometimes, as a writer, I feel the masses would rather juicy, controversial, debasing entries. Sex sells. Violence sells. Juicy gossip sells. Love? Ahh, too overdone and who needs it? Well, I do. As a matter of fact, I concur: Love is all you need. If I could bottle all the joy in my heart, I'd spray it on everyone I passed by. Sex, drugs, violence, and scandal have been overdone as well, but no one minds that. The more the better. Love... too mushy. Poppycock is what I say to that. Open up your hearts and let that love out this weekend! It's all you need.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-10-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

It has come to my attention time and time again this week that "men hate losing to women". I would ask men why, but I'm sure I can guess. Instead, I'm turning my loaded weapon on the ladies. Why, Women, do you let guys win? Do you have any idea how hard you're making it for chicks like me that don't let them win? I'm not competitive, but if we're going to play, well... let's flippin' play. I play for fun, and that's it. Why reinforce such a silly mindset? Men not lose to woman? Ha... laughable.

I've played a video game, "Track & Field" to be exact, with my older brother who was an Olympic decathlete. Now, on paper, he should have kicked my ass. In reality, I kicked his. I think it came down to the endurance of moving the stick for so long. His forearm got sore, and I just didn't think about it. He got all huffy and complained, "well.... women have a higher pain tolerance". *shakes head* I asked, "so you're saying women are stronger?" ... Silence... Then he said, "let's play horseshoe," thinking he'd have to beat me in that because it's more physical. I won. We played again (with me trying less), and I won. We played a third time, and I gave up and he got madder. It is my belief that his wife had been losing to him on purpose and it created a monster.

Women, why do we take the backseat to men when we compete? Why not show our attributes, and play to the fullest just to add a sporting challenge? Do we think they'll break? Will their egos just deflate on the spot and leave a shell of a man? Why do we hate them losing to us as much as they hate it? Why don't we just kick their asses and take our rightful spot? This isn't me being a feminist. This is me, and I have no qualms with winning; against male or female competitors. The beauty is that since I am not competitive, I barely pay attention (ask anyone I play against in Fantasy sports), I accept defeat with a smile and a "congrats", and I truly play for fun! It makes the victory even sweeter, and the competition LIVID. I wonder why...

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

A New Song Is Born

2006-09-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

If you didn't know, I like to play around with song lyrics and make up my own. I just posted "Love Is A Buddha-Field"; it's been in the draft bin for sometime. "Ain't No Other..." will be dedicated to my friend, and fellow Jesus Freak, Lionness Of Zion. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of this one more than most. I'm also sure CHRISTina wasn't thinking about the Lord when she wrote this little number, but I found it to be pretty insightful. Please, enjoy!

"Ain't No Other..."

Hey!!!!
I profess, Jesus!

I've been moved from the start
The way you baptized my heart
Your glowing aura caught my eye
The way you touched me deep inside
Can't stop once I realized you're heaven sent and I've been touched ever since.

(Hook)
I told the rabbis, the priests, the deacons, and the preachers
Told the sinners, the meek, the students and the teachers
That everytime I praise you I am more of a believer

I profess, Jesus!

(Chorus:)
Ain't no other man on the planet was born like you
Ain't no other man on the planet is King of Jews
You're the kind of guy that makes me born anew
You've got my soul, you gave me class, I am healed, thanks to mass
Ain't no other Christ, it's true
Ain't no other man like YOU

Never thought I'd see the light. No, no no!
Til Christ came into my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What was dark now is bright! Yeah! Yeah!!

You've got the light Christ, and I need it!
So keep on lifting me up!

(Hook)
I told the rabbis, the priests, the deacons, and the preachers
Told the sinners, the meek, they better be believers
Cause I want everyone to lift your name higher than everybody else's!

Ooooh,oh oh!

(Chorus)
Ain't no other man on the planet was born like you (like you yeah)
Ain't no other man (ain't no other man) on the planet is King of Jews
You're the kind of guy that makes me born (me born) anew
You've got my soul (soul), you gave me class (class)
I am healed, all thanks to mass- yeah, yeah, yeah!!
Ain't no other Christ, it's true
Ain't no other man like YOU

(Bridge)
Lift me high now!

Ain't no other, ain't, ain't no other, (other)!!
Ain't no other, ain't, ain't no other (Brother)!
Ain't no other, I, I, I need no other!
Ain't no other man but YOU!
Ohhhh!

You are there when life's a mess
When you're here, there is no stress
Gave me strength, made me feel blessed
You're the only one who's ever made me confess!

(Chorus)
Ain't no other man on the planet was born like you (like you yeah)
Ain't no other man (ain't no other man) on the planet is King of Jews
You're the kind of guy that makes me born (me born) anew
You've got my soul (soul), you gave me class (class)
I am healed, all thanks to mass- yeah, yeah, yeah!!
Ain't no other Christ, it's true
Ain't no other man like YOU!

Faithful & True,

Not~So~Cosmo

The Ballsies

2006-09-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

Good morning, afternoon or evening and welcome to the first edition of "The Ballsies." The Ballsies are awards for making ballsies moves in today's world full of conformity. The bigger the balls, the better. Many things inspired this award. The first would be the brief discussion from lunch yesterday. Yesterday was a suprisingly beautiful day here in Central Florida and we Rogues decided a picnic was in order. There's a great little park close to work. I've been there once and when I was, I saw a squirrel with the biggest balls I'd ever seen on a squirrel (actually I don't think I'd ever seen squirrel balls but something told me his were larger than ever.) I wished out loud yesterday as we walked to the park from the car that we would get to see the squirrel with the bigs balls. We did not. But when we got back from lunch, the Rogue Scholar did all send us "Bigs Balls" by AC/DC (thanks by the way.) And now on to the awards. All winners for this round come from TV.

Biggest Reality TV Balls: Deelishis from VH1's Flavor of Love 2. Now I'm not quite sure why this 28 year-old single mother from Detroit is in love with Flavor Flav, but I am sure that she is. On the most recent episode, Flav decided to split the 4 remaining contestants into 2 groups and take each group on a date, with the prize being a trip to his suite after dinner. Deelishis got to go with Krazy and let me tell you that Krazy is in fact crazy and she got lucky that Deelishis got sea-sick. While Krazy was on deck making out with Flav, Deelishis was bowed over thinking about how she ended up in this situation and if it was really worth it. Ultimately she decided that she DID want Flav and she wanted him all to herself. She let him know at dinner that evening that she can't stand to share her man and that he had better do something to let her know she was there for good reason or she would remove herself from the game. Flav took the bait and took D back to his room. They ended up falling asleep which was actually kind of sweet. So to Deelishis, here is your first Ballsie for putting yourself on the line and risking elimination from a show that most women wouldn't even dream about going on.

Biggest Cable TV Balls: Dr. Christian Troy from FX's Nip/Tuck. If you have never watched this show, I think you are missing out. Season 4 just started a couple of weeks ago and it's as hot as it's always been. This show takes you places no show has ever gone before. We are talking all kinds of kinky sex, steamy meetings, lines being crossed, deception.....good stuff folks, the kind of drama a girl like me lives for. My favorite person on the show is the aforementioned Christian. He's a hot surgeon fresh into his 40s who can't get enough ass. I think he sleeps with someone new every show. Usually ass is handed to him on a platter, but his newest obsession has been resistant (she is married.) On this week's episode, he got her to spill her deepest darkest secret and used that to blackmail her into sex. He told her something like "you're secret is safe with me as long as my secret is safe with you." What secret she asked. "That I slept with your husband's wife before dinner." Oh the nerve, but I love it. They knocked the boots and I bet you she enjoyed it. From next weeks clips, it looks like she can't get enough. So to Christian, here is your first Ballsie for coming up with the most clever way I've seen in a while to get some booty.

Biggest Network TV Balls: Dr. Meredith Grey from ABC's Grey's Anatomy. Last week, we left the show knowing that Meredith was going to have to make a choice between uber-sexy McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) and the super-sexy Finn (Chris O'Donnell.) Tough, tough, tough. Like I said both guys are sexy. In case you are from another planet, Patrick Demspey was the star of the 80's classic Can't Buy Me Love (maybe not love, but how about a night alone with you?) and I fell for Chris O'Donell when he shared his Mad Love with Drew Barrymore back in 95 (he also played Robin in 2 of the Batman movies.) At the beginning of the show she wanted McDreamy (she was at work with him making "eyes" all day) but by lunch she wanted Finn (he brought her depressed friend lunch, how sweet.) She decided to leave it up to chance and flip a coin. We never see what side it lands on. What we do see is both men arriving at the bar around the same time to see what decision she has made. Except she hasn't made a decision at all, she's actually had a realization. Why should she have to choose? Can't she have both? So she tells them she wants to start "dating" both of them, hopes they can handle it, and walks out. Finn asks McDreamy if he's going to bow out and he says nope. As for Finn bowing out, not a chance. Oh this is going to be fun to watch. And so to Meredith, for not letting choices run her life and realizing that to reach her full potential, a girl's got to have options.

So those were my very first picks for my very first Ballsie awards. Please let me know if you've seen any supreme displays of cojones. Great and brave things happen everyday. And as you go out to enjoy your weekend, do this one thing for me. LET THE BALLS HIT THE WALLS.

Brashly and Brazenly Yours,

Will Work For Shoes

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

2006-09-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

It was brought to my attention by my bestest friend to get on top f writing the "Why Women Wednesday" for today. I now have Mondays and Tuesdays off, so I'm all kinds of turned around. Luckily, she also gave me the brilliant topic for today's inquiry: Why, Women, do we talk about things that WE KNOW men do not care about and expect them to listen? And not just listen, but be as emotionally charged and pumped as we are about it. I'm not innocent of what I'm accusing, and to answer my own question, I simply forget who I'm talking to during my excitement. There was recently a sale on designer sunglasses, and I told men and women alike, and when the guys gave me the half ear, I dropped the subject. It is okay to mention something, but an elongated convo involving fashion won't hold a man's attention, and we bloody well know it. I like to think that whether it is in written or spoken form, that I appealing to my audience; therefore, I stick to what they may care about. If you don't know, here's a list of things that will cause your man's eyes to glaze over:

The List:

1) Anything Fashion (clothes, shoes, makeup, models, all that we worship)
2) Soap Operas/Reality TV
3) Your Friends & Their Drama
4) Evil Coworkers
5) Your Dreams (sleep, not as in aspirations)
6) The Troubles of the World

They just don't care. You can't make them care, even if you're really passionate. Of course, there are things men talk about that we don't care for, and we tell them "I don't get it"; whether it be sports or cars (or even sports cars), we give the old, "I don't know" and it's done. Or better yet, we get distracted by the television, the phone, the housework just when we start to be bored by the conversation. Suppose men just started saying, "Reality t.v., well...I don't know", or reached for the phone, remote control, or video controller. We would be furious and accuse them of not caring for US because we care so much. It's in fact a double standard. Why do we get mad when they don't listen, but we don't have to listen as much?

So, if today's topic falls on deaf ears, I understand. It is so hard not to tell a lover what we are passionately moved by. But maybe, just maybe we could stop being so impassioned by every little thing. Or so verbal about our passions. Better yet, why not just keep these topics to discuss with your best friend, because we all know you're going to anyway? Why must we talk about the same thing with more than one group of people, especially with a group that could care less? I would love any feedback, but do me this one favor. Please don't go telling your man about this article of Why Women Wednesday and this chick Not~So~Cosmo unless he is truly interested.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

**Previous "Why Women Wednesday" posts can be found at http://mantrix.blogspot.com, and future "Why Women Wednesday" entries will be posted on Witsy as well. Enjoy!**

Bush, New Orleans, And Saints...

2006-09-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

No! I'm not about to Kanyeezie out on Witsy, if that's what you're thinking. Today, I'd like to address Monday Night Football and the only Bush that showed up in New Orleans on time: Reggie Bush. Last night's football game, Atlanta Falcons vs. New Orleans Saints was a monumental game. The stadium was hurriedly completed before the game, and finally, The Saints have their Superdome back after a little over a year. Le sigh. I do hope that the levees get the same attention as the football stadium. I know to some, "football is life", but we all know how many lives are truly at stake with sandbags holding back an ocean. Dammit, I am about to K.West it up... I'm done.

When The Saints Came Marching In...

From the moment the pigskin was kicked off, The Saints were the hungriest team on the field. It was so obvious. It was their first game at home in months, their stats for home games in previous seasons are lackluster, and R. Bush has loads to prove as the star freshman (nicknamed "Baby Matrix" by teammate Horn). Did I mention the THOUSANDS of screaming, emotional fans in the stadium? It was as if their hopes of rebuilding their city depended on a victory. It was as if victory depended on their high hopes. Or perhaps it was simple hope they have been wanting all along... I can't decide. All I know is that I never believed ATL had a chance last night, and they are my favorite team in the NFL. That game was over before it began; The Saints were dead set on playing like Gods, and the fans seemed to be filled with the Holy Ghost. By the end of the game, The Saints were playing so magnificient and electrifying that I renamed them "Category 5" or "Cat 5 Boys". I know, I'm an ass.

The Dirty, Nasty, Filthy South...

As much as I enjoyed the game, I couldn't help feeling inundated with "Visit New Orleans, PLEASE". There was interview after interview with celebs saying that Nw Orleans needs tourism to get back on its feet. I want to get some things straight. First, I'd feel the place was safe enough to visit when I see that the residents can return home. Second, the clips they showed of New Orleans last night weren't really my ideal vacation spots. Third, I'd like to see a dam be built to hold back the ocean... please! I mean, there's the Hoover and Niagara Falls to keep water at bay, but sandbags to hold back the ocean?! What the fuck? Even beavers know to build dams to protect themselves. I propose some dam be built for a city that lies below sea level. I also propose it be called "God"... New Orleans very own God Dam.

I'm all about seeing New Orleans, and every other city that was rocked by Katrina, bounce back. Truly, I am. But, before tourism, commercialism, and consumerism can be fully addressed, I'd like to see a bit of humanism.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

The Man With A Thousand Names

2006-09-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Witzens:

"Can't stop, won't stop... Bad Boy For Life". Thank God at least one thing is consistent with Puff Daddy-Puffy-P. Diddy-Diddy. It seems he can't stop and won't stop renaming himself; his fucking nicknames have nicknames. You're just being greedy, Mr. Combs (the only proper name I'm willing to call him). I am not a fan of his, clearly, even though I like some of his music, and the originals that he bit off of. Well, he does have some big ass chompers, so biting is a natural reaction. I know today's music is a regurgitation of music from the past, but Diddy Pop is the king of that shit. Okay, let me just stick to the main thing that seems to be rubbing me wrong with Sir Diddy; his fucking dancing antics.

In Poppa Didd's new video with Nicole (that Pussy Cat Doll), "Come To Me", Pus Daddy is a dancing machine. He never stops dancing through the entire video, even when he's walking upstairs. Nicole, who is in fact a professional dancer, dances far less than he does. Did I mention Poofy can't dance? That shucking and jiving looks reminiscent of the old time movies in which black people danced to entertain Sir Whitey. Yeah, I said it. Diddy wears the modern day Black Face (if you don't what that is, look it up). At his age, I would expect a more reserved atmosphere, and with him owning Bad Boy Entertainment, I'd expect a more respectable swagger. He looks so pressed all the time.

Hopefully, Pressed Daddy won't read Witsy and decide to write a song or make up a dance to battle me. I could just see him now, and it's sad. I just wish he'd chill out and realize he's made it, so there's no need to be so Over The Top with everything. No more dancing off the stage at fashion award shows. No more dancing... Period. No more arguing with female entertainers about who made Proactive popular. No more mouth breathing; close that trap. No more name changing! Pop Diddy, just no more Black Face.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

They Call Me Mellow Yellow (Quite Rightly)

2006-09-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

"I'm just mad about 'Saffron'..." Truly, I do feel a bit mad these days. I have been in a world of whirling and twirling for the last week. Yes, the Ice Cold Princess who does not get all emotionally attached is going cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Le sigh. Isn't it wonderful/dreadful how guys get you all twitterpated? Ahhhhh. I could just scream! I literally just did. I've been wearing this Ronald McDonald grin for the past few days and I simply can't stop (won't stop) gushing with exuberant happiness. AHHHHH!!!! I want to slap myself for being this girly, but I'm just too damn cute about it. I'm pretty sure my closest friends (who know far better than anyone else how unattainable and closed off I am) are loving this spectacle of girl mushiness. OH! How the mighty hath fallen! Lap it up, ladies. The spell may be broken soon. Enjoy it while you can.

In the past, I would try to create a cure for my ailment: lovesickness. Now that I'm older, and somewhat wiser, I'm going to let this feeling ride out. No self manipulation to distract me from those butterflies in my tummy. I'm going to act like an adult about this... And continue to twirl and giggle all the time. If you don't have the pleasure of knowing me, let me assure you, I embody the spirit of a 5 year old. So, if you will, imagine a 5 year old totally smitten with her beau. I get all excited, and can barely even speak without getting all... all... AHHHH!!! LOL!!! He makes me totally bananas, and I can't help but be all..umm... Well, clearly not verbose. I can't even speak it or write it without wanting to scream.

For any male who's reading this, let this affirm that women are crazy. Or at least I am. It is highly possible a guy wouldn't even know what I was talking about altogether. "Twitterpated? Smitten? HUH?" Well, ladies will have better insight as to what I'm talking about, even if they don't use the same terminology. What they might not understand is why I'm trying to escape puppy love as if it were Cujo puppy love. What I don't understand is how I can tell the world and not the man that makes me twirl. When I come up with these answers, you Witizens will be the first to know. Until then, hugs and kisses from the Mrs...

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Life is a Buddha-field

2006-09-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

CHORUS:
We are stoned, coughing to chestache we toke
No money, no ganja to smoke
Life is a Buddha-field
We love bongs, no one can tell us it's wrong
Smoking these buds for so long, both of us burning
Life is a Buddha-field

You're begging me for cash, and makin' me wait
Why do you cheat me so bad
It would help me to know how long this deal will take
Or should I call someone else
Believe me, yes truly, I can find another guy
But I'm trapped by your buds, cause they're making me high

We are stoned, coughing to chestache we toke
No money, no ganja to smoke
Life is a Buddha-field
We love bongs, no one can tell us it's wrong
Smoking these buds for so long, both of us burning
Life is a Buddha-field

We're out of of minds, will you help me stay awake
Or leave me to pass out?
And if I fall asleep, will you smoke 'til you get baked?
There's no way this evens out
But if we split the sack up, it won't do much good
Cause you've taken too much, much more than you should

We are stoned, coughing to chestache we toke
No money, no ganja to smoke
Life is a Buddha-field
We love bongs, no one can tell us it's wrong
Smoking these buds for so long, both of us burning
Life is a Buddha-field

(Break)

We are stoned, coughing to chestache we toke
No money, no ganja to smoke
Life is a Buddha-field
We love bongs, no one can tell us it's wrong
Smoking these buds for so long, both of us burning
Life is a Buddha-field

Original Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar

CHORUS:
We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

You're beggin' me to go, and makin' me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know do I stand in your way
Or am I the best thing you've had?
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love, and I'm chained to your side

CHORUS

We're losing control will you turn me away
Or touch me deep inside?
And if all this gets old, will it still feel the same?
There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, you'll need me to hold

CHORUS

(Break)

CHORUS

"Snakes on a Plane"... the Show

2006-09-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

So I'm driving along this morning to the Big RED Machine, and I hear on the local radio station that there is a new reality t.v. show inspired by the film Snakes on a Plane. I know yesterday I wrote this country needs a hero, but I had no idea how badly. Perhaps it would be wise to explain the premise of this new evidence of the populations retardation.

To begin with, (imbecile) contestants will be put on a commercial liner plane with the staff and crew safely tucked away, and they will have to survive the 12-14 hour flight with 200 various snakes aboard with them. Sounds crazy enough? No? Okay, well let's just suppose 5 out of these 200 are poisonous, and it is one objective (and perhaps the most important as well) not to get bit by the poisonous ones. If a contestant gets bitten by a poisonous snake, they will be administered the anti-venom, eliminated, and mocked around the world for years to come. (Has the world gone mad?!!!) The prize for this wreckless display of television obsession is an all expense vacation in the destination of the plane... Filled with snakes. It is an option to fly out friends, and the whole trip is paid for. So, in actuality, it doesn't offer a cash prize; just a vacation and snake bites. Ooh, can't forget the 5 minutes of fame also... I always forget that prize.

I hate to stereotype, but just like "Fear Factor", I don't expect to see many "people of color" on this show at all. That's white folk shit. Now, if the show was "Pimp my Plane", I could see it being eclectic, but snakes... oooh no! If I prove to be mistaken, and there is an ethnic contestant, I expect another breakdown in the fashion of Samuel L. Jackson: "I'm so muthafuckin' sick of these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane!!!"; CLASSIC!!! I could go see it again for that alone. What I can't see is why real people would want to emulate what is too dangerous for actors/actresses and a film crew to pull off. Those weren't real snakes people, nor was it really on a goddamn plane! There are easier ways to earn a free vacation, and safer ways to land yourself on the tele. I promise.

I'm not sure what annoys me most about "Snakes on a Plane: The Reality Show", the premise or the prize. Or perhaps the people. Those who will line up for days to sleep outside to await a chance to audition for a spot next to a make-up artist who knows the casting person who might introduce them to a panel judge who might let them sneak their way to the top of the list so they could spend hours trying to avoid snake bites on a plane. Yeah... I think it's all of the above.

The only reason I would watch 10 minutes of this show is to see someone get bitten. I think everyone is on the same plane.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Is there a "Doctor" in the House?

2006-09-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

It has been quite some time... A thousand apologies. I've been going hither and thither, and well, it happens. In the past few days, I have been meaning to address my disdain for another T.V. personality: Dr. Phil. Introduced to the world by the cult leader, Oprah, he grew into an overnight success, and perhaps one of the most overrated doctors on the planet. He was even nominated as one of "America's Top 100 Heroes", right up there with our founding fathers. Bravo America!! Dr. Fucking Phil!!! Either he is the most brilliant doctor that ever lived, or this country needs some more heroes. STAT!!!

I remember this super fantastic guy that I adore (he's actually a "King" amongst men) once asked me, "Do you like Dr. Phil?" I answered, "hell no", and then had to add that "I don't really watch the show; however, from what I have seen, I don't like him". He thought I deffo would because I'd like to be a therapist at some point, and I do believe in calling out when people are being ridiculously stupid. So, naturally, he assumed that I would like Dr. Phil's style of therapy. Now, I hate to Tom Cruise out, but I am an expert on psychology! Dr. Phil is an expert on common sense, at best. This man has such outlandish show guests that his "expert advice" would also be offered by my 9 year-old nephew. There, I'll call him Dr. Jeffrey from now on.

The absolute worst, and this is the icing on the cake, is that Dr. Phil is getting yet another television series. In this new debacle, he will have a family move into a house that is complete with a camera in every room. After a few stays, Dr. Phil himself will move into the house with the family, for what I guess will result in 24 hours of videotaped therapy. Wow! Not even Freud was this involved, and his case studies went on for decades. Dr. Phil "Good" promises us, the audience, that "It's the realest reality T.V. you're gonna get!"... I assure you all, audience, that it won't be. The moment a camera is introduced, it all stops being real and becomes really crappy. I believed I liked the concept better when it was called, "Big Brother"; at least they had drama and sex in the house (if there is sex on Dr. Phil's show, I'm going to be disturbed forever!!!).

It seems as though our nation is in search of a hero, but if our last ditch effort is Dr. Phil, or even better, that gestapo Oprah... Well, then we are worse off than we ever thought. The T.V. can't save us, not even if it is Reality Television. It simply rots your brains; I thought the Real World 27 and Road Rules 19 taught us that. Tsk Tsk.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Boys & Toys

2006-08-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

It is yet another day slaving for the Big Red Machine, some of you call it "work". Tomato/Tomato my friends. As I'm busily trying to look busy, I'm actually Instant Messaging friends and having a good ol' time; it makes the slavery better. I was just typing to my friend Big Mouth and WWF Shoes, about my toys growing up, and the impact they caused. For starters, let me explain first that I'm the youngest of seven children: 3 older brothers and 3 older sisters. Yep, my folks got down. Anyhow, my oldest brother is 16 years older than I am, and the other two are both 12 years older than me (they were born in the same year, different months, same mom... yeah, my folks got DOWN!). The two that were 12 years older, I'll call them the "Irish Twins", were the source of much torturing to me. How so? By instructing my mother which toys were appropriate for a little girl, and by later abusing the dolls she bought for me. I'll explain...

No KEN:

The Irish Twins told my mother that she shouldn't buy me any Ken dolls because "little girls do nasty things with Barbie and Ken". That was enough for her ears; her "baby" could never do such dirty things. (Meanwhile her "baby" is watching Purple Rain and wondering what the hell Prince is doing to that lady Apollonia...and wait, which one is the lady...very traumatic) Anywho, only Barbie dolls for her Darling Niki. This only left me with Barbies, Teddy Bears, Cabbage Patch, Monchichi, and a group of fucking female or animal toys! Since Barbie had no Ken, and she had to get it on with someone (little girls will still make toys hump without male dolls), she became a lipstick lesbian and a cross-breeding slut. Barbie even got it on with a flippin Monchichi! Ewww, that gross Barbie!!! If I were allowed to have a Ken, or still play with the boys' old G. I. Joes like I used to before they took them away too, I would have more respect for Barbie. Instead, I have this low level of respect for her because I know her homoerotic/bestiality secrets.

Graffiti Bridge:

Once the Twins secured that I had no sexually ambiguous male toys to play with, they begin to write on my girl dolls. They wrote: "Whore, Bitch, Slut...." and much more all over my Barbies and dolls. Now some parents would take their teenage boys to a therapist for that, but my mom just gave them a dose of that old school drug: ass-whipping (extra strength). After all, I'd be super upset, and then she'd have to replace these dolls... don't fuck with a momma's baby and her money. Although I didn't know what those graffitied words meant at the time, those dolls had to be thrown out immediately. And still, I remained a loving child. Then they did the ultimate.... They wrote on my Monchichi!!!! I friggin' lost it. My mother fucking lost it!! They got their asses kicked big time for that one, and I just gave up on dolls all together. That hurt the Twins more than my mom's hits... they killed the baby's love for toys and had to wear that shame. They tried to get me new ones, but I just stopped caring. I haven't played with dolls since.

The Outcome:

For those who know me well, that was the birth of my "Dump IT" mentality, and many more characteristics that are apparent to this day. There is no wonder that "Beauty and the Beast" has always been an absolute favorite. The book, the animated film, the play... I even stayed at the "Beauty and the Beast' themed hotel at Disney. With Barbie humping Monchichi, cn you blame me? It's also no mystery as to why I can listen to music with the lyrics like, "Bitches ain't nothin' but hos and tricks" without batting an eye. I mean Barbie's impression wasn't a good start. Perhaps that's why a man's anatomy is sooooo fascinating, even if I have no desire to get busy.... hmmm... It is the upbringing and influences that we received as children that makes us into the adults we are later. So mothers, and mothers-to-be, please don't listen to your sons' advice about what a little girl should play with. After all, you are letting a young man shape what will become a woman later, and young men are really fucking stupid. Well, at least those Irish Twins were.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Adios Ernesto!!

2006-08-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

I thought about "Reporting to you LIVE during the hurricane!", but wouldn't you just know it ... I slept through the whole thing. It's still rather windy and rainy at the moment, so I guess I'm sort of reporting LIVE during Ernesto right now. If you were worried about the loving staff that keeps the Witsy engine going... we are all fine. Hurricane Ernesto was not hellacious at all, and thank God, or the "powers that be" for that. I am quite relieved that life can go on without much interruption; I'm even at the office today. Lucky me. And I mean that, truly. Not in my usual smartastic tone; going to work is more welcome than awaking to no electricity. In the end, the hurricane did not do much damage, and we are all very fortunate for that. Which is why those people who seem upset that the "storm was a dud" really confuse the hell out of me. When I ask someone who is complaining, "Did you want more destruction?", they get even pissier. Even if I spend hundreds of dollars in preparation, I don't consider the purchases a waste, and curse the storm for not demolishing everything so that I could use my goods!

I understand it's hard to prepare for each storm to the same degree because it gets quite expensive and the general atmosphere is fear, panic, and frenzy; however, it's just smarter to prepare with the necessities. AND the beauty of said necessities is that they never really get wasted whether the storm is bad or not. Food, water, batteries, preserves... they never get wasted because they are needed regardless of the weather. Let us learn to be thankful that we can afford what we need, and that we didn't have to go through another disastrous storm. Let us also remember everyone is not nearly as fortunate sometimes. This week marks a year since Katrina nearly wiped cities off the map. Perhaps that's why I'm so flippin happy I saw every tree standing on my way to work. Life is good.

"This has been a weather and morality update from Witsy. Not~So~Cosmo, signing out."

Truly,

N~S~C

Hurricane Must Haves

2006-08-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

I've lived in the great Sunshine State of Florida alllllll my life {sigh}, and it's about that time for another hurricane to sweep through our state. Our newest nemesis is Ernesto, an ethnic name, but thank goodness it's not as ghetto as Katrina. Come on, with a name like that, we should have known it would wreck shop. Anyhow, or amigo is swooping in fast from the south, and is predicted to impact Witsy headquarters on Wednesday. Pray for us Floridians. In honor of the storm, I'm compiling a list of things I find to be SUPER useful during, and in the aftermath of a hurricane. Of course, the traditional supplies are a necessity (flashlights, batteries, a manual can opener, matches......etc), but my list is more of an addition to these lifesavers; as well, my list of items is to ensure mental happiness more than survival. Without further adieu... the list...

Not~So~Cosmo's Hurricane Survival Guide:

1.) Red Wine
- White wine is good, but Red Wine is better during a storm; it can be kept a few degrees below room temp, so it needs very little, if any, refrigeration

2.) Cigarettes
- If you smoke, buy extra packs

3.) M. J.
- Pick up a substantial amount due to the damage the roads might suffer, and your dealer may get killed in the storm... sad, but true

4.) Papers
- These preserve the use of the lighters/matches

5.) Decent Food
- For some gourmet meal ideas, you can pick up Daphne Nikolopoulos' book "Storm Gourmet" in which she offers many recipes that require no refrigeration

6.) Grill Supplies
- In addition to gourmet, everyday food can be prepared on the grill; buy extra charcoal and lighter fluid

7.) Dry Ice
- It keeps drinks ridiculously cold if you can get your hands on it (not literally, Please!)

8.) Books, playing cards/board games, toys, balls, and imagination- the aforementioned book is a good idea; Monopoly always rocks, as does Spades; old school games (I spy, Mother May I, 4 square) are still hella amusing

9.) Tylenol P.M.
- If you can't fall asleep without the air conditioner

10.) Condoms
- Too many "Hurricane Babies" are conceived with all that free time and boredom

If I've missed anything, I'll add on. And please, feel free to add to the list. It could save someone's life, or their sanity. Please be safe, and don't drive/run out in the storm if you don't have to (I speak from personal experience... I'm retarded). So, despite the coming of Ernesto, I hope all my Witizens remember to party on, and rock this bitch 'til the wheels blow off.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Alas, Paramount....

2006-08-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

SOUND THE TRUMPETS!!!!!! The "Powers That Be" have heard the cries of the young and the restless, and gave my nemesis, one Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, the fucking boot. He's FIRED!!!! I really don't have anything special prepared for this moment, so this speech is so off the cuff...

"First, I'd like to thank God for making all things possible. Especially the rise and fall of Tom Cruise. I remember when I first began to notice that he was somewhat psychotic, and during those times, only my very best friends understood. Special thanks goes out to Will Work For Shoes, Lioness of Zion, and last, but certainly not least, Rogue Scholar; my one new love who shares my one true hate. You all rock.

In certain situations, hating Tom really lead to feelings of ostracism. The masses would exclaim, "Why do you hate Tom Cruise?!" and I would wonder, "how can you not?", but I'd just answer, "He's an ass"; that sufficed. Now the world knows it, and his bosses can no longer hide it. I'd like to thank my parents for instilling in me that I can hate and love whomever I damn well please; actually more of my mother's teachings. That's my girl. I'd like to thank everyone for finally seeing a madman for who he is... Thank you mad world. And well, God Bless Paramount!!! Thank you." {Bow}

Okay, I'm sure the speech could use quite a bit of work, but I'm not exactly up for any Oscars anytime soon, and neither is Tom. BURN! LOL!!! I'm having so much fun with this, which is so mean, but it keeps me smiling. I do think this time off could give Mr. Mapother time to stop and smell the roses. Everyone needs family time (there is a newborn something in the house!), a vacation, and some down time with friends. It makes us all so human. Perhaps Paramount has given Tom just what the therapist prescribed, if one believes in such things as therapists... Just get some rest, Mr. Mapother, get some rest.

Truly
Not~So~Cosmo

"O", I've done it now....

2006-08-21T15:58:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

I don't know if it's because I have a "Case of the Mondays" (my schedule changed and bye-bye Margarita Mondays... damn the Man), or if I'm just sick of biting my tongue. I know that women around the World would have me burned at the stake for this bombshell, but I'll say it anyway. Fuck Oprah Winfrey! I love and respect her as a business women, I truly do. Kudos, Oprah. But as a cult leader, hell no. If you were unaware that Oprah is a cult leader, it's because you're not paying attention. All those screaming/weeping/adoring women that swear by Oprah, and don't take her name in vain are as fanatical as David Koresh's Waco-Whackos. Has anyone ever seen the "Oprah's Favorite Things" episodes (a giveaway of, well, Oprah's favorite/expensive things)? Those bitches in the audience go NUTS!!!!

Oprah:
"AND NOW IT'S TIIIIIME...FOR OPRAH'S FAAAAVVOOORRIIITTTTTE
THIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGSSS!"
Fans: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I can't get through a whole episode of that shit without screaming "SHUT UP!!" myself. First of all, no one is cool enough to address themselves in the third person. Not~So~Cosmo is so not a fan of that! Second, when it appears as though half of the audience might faint from frantic excitement, don't make them go nuts if it can be helped. And she knows she's the only one to calm them too; it's part of the bewitching. I've seen her execs try to get the Oprates to calm down, and the screaming just became more frantic. She raised her hands, and a hush fell. I've seen that kind of control before [cough Nazi cough], and it's not pretty. I'm just saying, Oprah seems to love that obsession and power, and even encourages more of it. Which leads me to my third point, her screaming sends them into a frenzy, and she keeps screaming and enticing them to scream like their leader; okay, is it apparent yet that she has a God complex?

In addition to her television show, Oprah also has "O" magazine to further brainwash her flock. One page 15, the magazine will read: "Be happy with your weight/body/self", and on page 30 there will be "10 ways to drop 10 pounds over the weekend". WTF? Be happy, or try the anorexic diet? Which? On top of it all, I dont think Oprah is exactly the weight specialist... that's just my "O"pinion. If I disappear, the Oprates (middle aged suburban housewives) have done me in. I don't care! The fear must end. I don't have to like Oprah. Hell the Beef people have beef with her, and they're still around... well, the profits dropped, and they lost large amounts of money trying to sue her, and Oprates banned beef... Jeez, maybe it's not so safe to hate her... I still don't care! Not~So~Cosmo can hate whoever Not~So~Cosmo wants to on this website. That is, until Oprah buys blogspot.com or the entire internet and has me banned. As for now, Ms. Winfrey is on notice!

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

P.S. I told Harpo to beat you!!!!!

Crap On A Film

2006-08-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

I went to see that piece of shit film Snakes on a Plane, and let me just tell you... It's a piece of shit. You can make it more entertaining, like myself, by inviting your best friend (Mary Jane) and light (or heavy) drinking; however, it's still a B movie (and instant cult classic). I think it's safe to say I totally enjoyed hating it. Maybe it was the ricockulousness of it all; or that I started saying, "De Playne, De Playne, Mayne! Snakes on de Plane, Mayne!!!" like that midget from "Fantasy Island"; or Samuel L.'s breakdown (worth seeing the whole film for; a shark doesn't eat him this time); or the drugs... hmmmm.... Whatever, I enjoyed the silliness, and I would recommend it to anyone who didn't have two hours to waste on laughing that they had two hours to waste. Hell, I'm having fun just reliving watching this shit.

Also, I've never seen such sex-driven snake bites before in film. Where these reptiles bite is quite entertaining for a lascivious girl like myself.

Yeah! I said it,

Not~So~Cosmo

C'est la vie

2006-08-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

Being as though I'm a self-soother, I may not open up about personal woes to many people personally. I would apologize, but that's just me. I remember going through a bad spell in my latter college years, and I didn't share it with anyone as much as I did John "Diggy" Digweed (my cat); more so, I just talked myself through it first and foremost. I know it's important to lean on others (I too would give this advice), but I find it important to stand on my own at first. Mostly, I just realize it's not the end of the world as we know it... And if so, I feel fine. I can't say that I did it alone; there was outside help. I've mentioned Digweed, and my best friends were the bestest. There was also this one particular poem that I read almost daily in Orlando during my lowest times, and I remember every time I was sitting alone and reading (whether in the living room, my bedroom, or in the potty) that my Diggy would always join me on my lap. It NEVER failed! He's an awesome kitty like that, but it always made me feel like he was the embodiment of hope, like in the poem. Here lately, I've needed some comforting, and I thought about this poem and how I haven't read it in so long. Ironically, Diggy has been extra snuggly with me. It took me forever (a day) to find it, but it's worth it, and Diggy likes it too. Do enjoy...

it has rained for five days
running
the world is
a round puddle
of sunless water
where small islands
are only beginning
to cope
a young boy
in my garden
is bailing out water
from his flower patch
when I ask him why
he tells me
young seeds that have not seen sun
forget
and drown easily

~Audrey Lorde

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Pandora's Beach

2006-08-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

It's the start of a new week, and already it's off to a brilliant start. My bestest gal pal Will Work for Shoes is enjoying her vacation/honeymoon starting today!! I'm so excited for the love birds; and they are the swankiest married couple of 2006 (the honeymoon spot and the wedding gift from me put them over the top!). I would give details, but it's her business to tell you her business, savvy? As for Rogue Scholar, I do hope she called out sick today (and if she's reading this at her desk, then BAIL NOW, Rogue!!!!). I have the day off, and I'm kicking it off with Mimosas and my best friend Mary Jane; we're so friggin' inseparable. Please excuse any tangents or whimsical nonsense on my behalf.

I have a thousand topics running through my mind, but one in particular is standing out... "Revolt". Maybe it's just ingrained in me to rebel and rage against the machine on Mondays, but I so wish for carefree Mondays for all my peeps. Hell, I wish for carefree everyday, but I am spoiled like that. Just the other day, my coworker asked me, "What else do we have to do?", as we were running errands outside the office. My HONEST reply was, "Ummm, we need to go to the beach, NOW!... Or City Place... Don't ask me that!!!" After he shot me a "bitch, please" look, I broke it down that I have always been the "Ferris Bueller" of my crew. "Hey, Don't want to go to school... Dump it.... Work either? Dump it!" In the end, don't we all do what we want to do anyway? Even in going to work, you simply don't want to get fired; however,when you can't go to work, there is no question. You're not fucking showing up! You don't even consider the consequences!!! There are days in which I know that even if I show up in the office, I'm not going to be there. I fucking dump those days.

In the end, my coworker ended up taking me to the beach, City Place (an outdoor mall in downtown), and another mall. He offered lunch also, but I declined. He probably could sense my recent woes, or maybe he realized as I do everyday of my life: live it up. We could easily pretend to work, or we could have fun. I choose the latter. Who's coming with me?

In the end,

nOT~sO~cOSMO

Tuesday

Witizens:

Instead of my usual work attire of dresses or skirt/blouse, I showed up to the office today in a "FRANCE" futbol jersey, jeans, and flip flops... I'm having an "Office Space"/"Fight Club" breakdown and there is no end in sight. Without an attempt on my part, my coworker just took me to the beach and mall again. Later, we watched "Kill Bill: Vol. I" in the office, with him sprawled across the couch. I'm afraid I'm creating a monster, and that I've become one myself. Maybe I've been one all along... Perhaps we both are. A Palm Beach Princess Monster!!!! Ugh!

In my coworker's defense, we do manage to accomplish "some work", which is just pricing a few items needed in the office, but how in the hell could I explain the BEACH?! When did I become that spoiled little bitch again that skipped so many days of school that she was known as "Ferris"? Or the one that was never on college campus so much that a certain alliterative friend never saw me ONCE in a four year span... Perhaps, it never went away at all, but I would like to think I've outgrown some crazy antics. I'll ponder this all at the beach tomorrow. I mean work!

N~S~C

Suri Conspiracy #10056-563.666

2006-08-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

I am so happy that Rogue and WW4Shoes totally embrace their genius/witsiness... truly, they get it. I was having a crappy day, and as God would will it, I read the brilliantly written "Suri Conspiracy #10056-563.566", and was in hysterics for quite some time. KUDOS! Not only is this conspiracy theory more realistic than the baby being of Satan's lineage (you can't prove/disprove that one either, so don't try), there is more documentation than one could imagine to support Rogue Scholar's conspiracy theory.

Since I know lazy people probably won't read further into TMZ.com (which I totally love now) brilliant reports, I figured I'd lay them out here.

Both babies were born on April 18 at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica, where one Anne Heffernan is the registered nurse who signed both birth certificates. Heffernan, who never saw Suri, signed her birth certificate (she's only authorized to sign when a doctor is not available).

On the Suri Cruise certificate, Heffernan's license number is G48079. On the Grier Henchy certificate, Heffernan's license number is different -- G068399. After TMZ checked with the California Board of Registered Nursing, they were told Heffernan's license number didn't match either of the birth certificates; her real license number is 317058.

The license number on Grier's certificate comes back to a Dorothy Rork; whereas the license number on Suri's birth certificate is a mystery. There is no name attached to that license number.

As Rogue Scholar wrote, someone listed as "Friend" signed the certificate for Suri, unlike Brooke Shields who signed the one for her daughter (and like every other parent in the free standing world!!!).

All I have to say about the mysteries of childbirth is that it's never been surrounded by so much mystery due to the parents' wacky tactics. I'm close to thinking that when photos are finally published (word on the streets is the photos have already been sold to a big name magazine), that I won't be able to see Suri. I imagine that the photos of the family will be Tom will be holding his hands up in the air, Katie feeding and cradling nothing but air. It should be interesting to see how the world receives this little devil, alien, mirage baby... It's fun enough for me not seeing her.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Suri Conspiracy #10056-563.566

2006-08-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

Oh yes, conspiracy theory number 10056-563.566 of the “alleged” TomKitten, Suri Cruise. I saw this in US magazine, and it was so good, I just couldn’t let it go. First of all, Not So Cosmo has shared with all of us her ideas on the elusive infant. Let me share mine. Is there a child? Perhaps. Is it Tom and Katie’s? No. I believe they have paid, or worse yet (although I will give them the benefit of the doubt that money exchanged hands) kidnapped some girl that had the baby for them and they are keeping her around (paying her off) as the baby’s wet nurse. A little crazy you say? Let’s think about it. We have seen pictures of Katie out and about. We have seen pictures of Tom and Katie out and about. They are all over the place. Why isn’t she at home taking care of this infant? Yes, yes, I know all about nannies, but as a mother myself, I also know a WEE bit about taking care of babies. It is a 24 hour job. Especially when they are 4 months old. For the first few months, Suri would be eating every 2-4 hours. At 3 months, she probably hit a growth spurt and would be eating non-stop. I remember when my own was that little, I went 2 weeks without sleep because my body was so used to being awake feeding him!!! Besides that fact, Katie is a BRAND NEW MOM!!! She has never had children before (unless Dawson’s Creek is populated by children we don’t know about) and most new mom’s are infatuated with their new babies!! They can’t get enough of them. They want to be with them. Yes, even when dealing with projectile vomiting, 3am feedings, colic, and the unavoidable diaper changes…they want to be with them. There is something magical about babies and new moms can’t get enough. So maybe we need to be asking ourselves what the hell is wrong with Katie (besides the obvious). It makes perfect sense that Tom has paid some woman off to have a baby and raise it for them (despicable)

And perhaps there is some substance behind this theory of mine. TMZ.com has obtained an “official” copy of Suri’s birth certificate. It really is some great reading and I urge everyone to check it out. Let’s go through it. The first issue is the date. Suri was allegedly born April 18th, but the birth certificate wasn’t filed until May 4th when a “friend” came and signed as a witness. WTF!! When I had my son, I had to fill out the paperwork before I left the hospital. Not a friend, not even the father, ME-the MOM!! Who sends a friend to the hospital to fill out paperwork of your CHILD for you? Apparently the nurse who signed it didn’t actually SEE the tomkitten but is authorized to sign in the doctor’s absence. Okay, in this day in age when most hospitals are stepping up on security on the baby floors because of the crazy people that go in and steal babies, I can’t imagine that someone who didn’t even SEE the baby can sign a birth certificate. Especially when identity theft is so prevalent too. I digress… According to TMZ.com, “the hospital rep said that the circumstances that triggered the eventual signing of the birth certificate were that Suri needed a passport and a birth certificate is a prerequisite to obtaining one.” WTF2!! Who takes an INFANT out of the country? Someone trying to hide the baby and the real mom. And how else would this been accomplished without someone recognizing Tom or Katie? By having an ordinary mom taking her baby on a plane. The name on the passport would give them away, you say? Has anyone ever really gone through customs? As long as you don’t look suspicious, you pretty much get passed on through.

This is getting weirder and weirder, Witizens. Why go though all of the trouble to hide a baby. Is Tom waiting for his next big movie in order to gain publicity by showing this child? Heaven knows he needs SOMETHING to help him.

Rouge Scholar

Yeeeeeeeaaahh Boooooyyyeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

Witzens:

It is time! Flavor "Fufi" Flav is back with his smash reality show, "Flavor of Love"; and OHH is it tasty. I'm usually the most anti-reality T.V. person that I know, but Will Work For Shoes changed my life when she asked, "Do you watch the 'Flavor of Love'? Oh MY GOD!! You have to! It's so bad that it's great!!!" Somehow, I couldn't argue with this logic (WWFS has the best taste for guilty pleasures), and I tuned in faithfully every week. It turned out to be the best show ever; an instant "water cooler" topic, and it was a spectacular convo piece at family gatherings. If you've never seen the show, I'll give you a quick synopsis: 20 women are living with Flavor Flav to compete for his love/get on television. The lengths these women were willing to go to be with FLAAAVOOR FLAAAAAAAAAAV was sofa king disgusting! Kissing, canoodling, and worse...sex with Flavor Flav is sick! Ewww! He looks like a burnt chicken wing, and they kiss him. That's just wrong. And before I get slammed by any critics for being a shallow bitch, I would like to say that looks aren't the only thing that matter (keyword: ONLY), but it's not like Flav exudes any other characteristics that would make up for his appearance. Just tune in to "Flavor of Love", watch him eating a meal, and you'll understand my distaste. I couldn't get paid to kiss him, let alone doing God-knows-what just to stay in competition for him. Hell no! Ugh!! Anyhow, a new season has just begun, and I'm sooooo flippin' excited and curious to see the hijinks of this season, as well as how these women can possibly outdo the girls of season 1; it should be deliciously scandalous. I'm so excited!

As for the new season that just kicked off last night, it has the promise to be more outrageous and OTT than the last season in just the first episode. The selection of girls this time around offered a bunch of video hoes/strippers (or ex-strippers), substance abusers (at least they seem strung out), "eccentric" television personalities, fat chicks, and ghetto ass chicks. There was already a fight in the house within the first 15 minutes of the show; one girl "Toastee" got just that, fucking toasted after an hour in the house; girl-on-girl fun was set in motion; tramps are already making out with Flav and professing love; verbal assaults between these bitches are non-stop; ah, yes, and someone took a shit on themself and the floor. That's right, I said it, the shit has officially hit the fan... or floor. And here I thought the show couldn't sink any lower... Ahhh, behold the power of cheesey T.V.

I know it doesn't make much sense for a person who believes there is only shit on the tele these days to purposefully watch the crappiest show in the last few decades, but that is precisely WHY I watch it. IF it's all crap anyway, I want to watch the one series that embraces what a piece of garbage it is. Unlike "The Bachelor" and "the Bachelorette", the "Flavor of Love" isn't trying to convince the audience that true love can be found in front of a rolling camera; rather it's a mockery of these shows. I'm a fan of sarcasm and satire, and Flavor Flav is giving his critique on the institutions of love, marriage, and the greed of humanity through his show, or at least, that's what I watch it for. In a country where homosexual love and marriage is frowned upon and illegal because it tarnishes the great institution of love/marriage, the how is it that reality T.V. is allowed to tarnish, trample, and trounce these institutions? Ohhh, right! Ratings = Money, and Money = Love, thus Ratings = Love!!! Now I get it (thank God I took geometry). Well, now that's cleared up, I urge everyone to check out "Flavor of Love"; you'll money this series just as much as I ratings it too.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

SCHOOL'S ON: Where did our summers go?

2006-08-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

Wisty Readers,

Today in Central Florida 5 counties started school, 2 of which I drive through on my way to work (doesn't it seem early) and I am feeling very nostalgic this morning. Maybe it's the awesome tee that my husband bought me on Saturday that totally makes me think of the Billy Idol "Rock the Cradle of Love" video. Maybe it was the movie I watched Saturday afternoon which although set in present time, focused on a skating rink which was where I had all my fun back in the day. Or maybe it was the 6 hours of "I love the 90s" that I watched in VH1 yesterday (in my defense, it was a lazy Sunday and I was in and out of consciousness while napping on the couch.) Whatever it is, when I saw the kids approaching the school this morning, I just got a warm, rememeber when type of feeling. So here it goes...

Remember...

watching hours upon hours of TV during summer break (I lived on MTV and Nickelodeon.)
wishing school would start because you ran out of stuff to occupy yourself.
staying up late during summer break to watch Nick at Nite and USA Up all Nite.
going to the Rapids Waterpark at least once during the summer.
the first day of school came and you got to see all your friends in person for possibly the first time in 2 months.
when you had to go shopping for supplies (Trapper Keepers, Lisa Frank, book covers, the Crayola box w/ the built-in sharpener.
picking out the perfect outfit to wear on the first day of school.
getting a new Jansport.
the special way you ate your Fruit Roll-up.
morning annoucements and saying the Pledge of Allegiance everyday.
getting dressed out for gym and the creepy gym teacher who might be a lesbian.
walking/riding your bike to/from school with your friends or maybe you had to take the bus.
playing Pencils, TAG, Red Rover, Red Light/Green Light, 4 Square, tetherball, kickball, double-dutch, heads up 7-up...
school pizza (the best sponge with cheese on it you'll ever have.)
Chip-Wich, Strawberry Shortcake and Chocolate Eclair ice cream.
school assemblies where you all sat indian style on the gym floor.
yearning to shave your legs like the other girls (sorry fellas.)
class trips to museums or better yet, the high school for a drama production.
field day ( oh I so hope you had one.)
trying to remember your locker combination.

Ok. So I totally just aged myself there but I don't care. The high I am on will last me the rest of the day and that's not bad for a Monday. Please feel free to let me know what you love and miss most from those wonderful, care-free adolescent years. I would like to leave you with a few choice quotes:

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry (1947 - )

Young people are in a condition like permanent intoxication, because youth is sweet and they are growing.
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC), 'Nicomachean Ethics'

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
Michael Pritchard

Enjoy your Mondays.

Will Work For Shoes

A Drunken Mad Max & The Chain Reaction

2006-08-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

I just can't stop... won't stop... Bad Boy for life! Another celebrity is on the chopping block today, and the axe is appropriately falling on Mel "Give Me Another Drink" Gibson. I'm not even going to pretend that I've never driven under the influence. How in the hell am I supposed to get home from the bar? I've even been pulled over by a cop after I've been drinking (luckily no sobriety check was done!); however, I have NEVER gone on to become a drunken, belligerent, bigoted idiot with the arresting officer. NEVER!!! Of course the press and media are having a field day with this one: Mel Gibson! Drunk driving! And antisemitism! Oh my!!! The Jewish community is highly offended, as they should be, especially since they all thought the Passion was a direct attack on Jewish people. I have a friend (of course Catholic) that said, "He gives all Catholics a bad name"; yet, I beg to differ. I think the only bad name that should come out of all this is one Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson. Since I am both a long time fan of Mr. Gibson and my Jewish people, I am willing to attempt to bridge two of my loves, and most importantly, reach out to Mel via Witsy with a letter. It shall go as follows:

"Mr. Mel Gibson:

I understand that we (loosely used, for I am not baptized) Catholics love to drink and talk about The Passion of the Christ, but your recent arrest made you look more like a Bird on a Wire than a good Christian. Driving under the influence does turn your everyday car into a Lethal Weapon, and for that alone, you should receive Punishment. Furthermore, your rant to the officer about the troubles of the world and how Jews are to blame for it all are Signs that you should have said, "No" to that last Tequila Sunrise. There was a time, maybe back when you were super hot and Forever Young, that the world would've just chocked it up to some young Maverick with a chip on his shoulder and blah blah blah. Now you're just older... and The Man Without a Face to all of us young, ordinary, and proud Patiots. It's very upsetting to me, as a lifetime fan, that you've gone from having quite a BraveHeart, to a low class, ranting Christian wanting some sort of Payback from the Jewish community for the death of Christ; quite the fall from grace.

A few years back, after you directed Passion, the Jewish community had their Conspiracy Theory that the whole thing was one big anti-Semitic movement of yourself and every other Catholic fundamentalist (i.e. your own father, who said that 'the holocaust was a figment of the Jews' imagination'!!!!!!!). And still, I defended the notion that you only got the inspiration from the Bible; after all, it isn't like you wrote the Gospels. After your debacle and recent run in with the law, I am forced to eat these words and come to the realization that you are no longer What Women Want. It would be in your best interest to apologize to the Jewish Community, Israel, and all your fans that you've offended with your antics. To be quite honest, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, but it could mend your public relations in the end. Please, with all the wars in the world, it is clear that we are in The Year of Living Dangerously, and we need the peace and love that Jesus preached and once tried to prepare us for (no offense to the Jews). Anything less than peace at a time of war is just as much a Lethal Weapon 2 us than war itself.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

P.S. "Melly Mel, the next time you get pulled over by the Pigs, it would be best not to imitate Adam Sandler's character from the The Longest Yard... just a Witsy suggestion... "

Hopefully I can send this to Mel Gibson, but in the meantime, I hope my Witizens can have a good laugh. (Italicized words are Mel Gibson's movie titles... I know... I'm insane.)

Britney's-Baby-Bobble-Head

2006-08-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

Since I'm on a roll of celebrity bashing, I thought I'd take a special time out and write about the once reigning Princess of Pop: Britney Spears. Now of late, Britney has given up music (thank God) to focus on her family life (thank K. Fed). With her recent semi-retirement, Britney now spends more time being a mother and mother-to-be than making music. However, even at home, Mrs. Spears-Federline can't stop saying, "Ooops, I did it again". How many times can one person drop, bobble, or endanger their infant?! Damn!!! And if this said person is aware she's a butterfingers, why not hire someone to carry the baby around, or invest in baby helmets? What? Anything is better than the current situation.

Okay, I'm not a mother, but I am great with children and quite nurturing. I am also quite the lush who knows how to secure my cup in a way that I never spill a drop. However, when it comes to which I'm willing to bobble or drop: my drink or my baby, I'm willing to drop the fucking drink. Now I know that being a mom is a lot of hard work, but please just drop the cup!! You can buy another drink (especially with millions and millions of dollars), but you can't buy another baby. Sean Preston or my gin & tonic...hmmm......hmm... Britney got slammed by the tabloids after her baby fumble, but somehow she still managed to endanger that poor child even more. Funny, she has a song called "Overprotected", and yet... ahh, nevermind.

Recent aerial photos also caught the #1 Mom...of Pop driving around baby Sean in her convertible sports car without having him properly placed and fastened in. First of all, what the hell is a baby doing in a convertible? Those things aren't baby-friendly. It would take nothing for the baby to go catapulting out of the car. Oh my goodness. If I were being that fucking reckless, I would hope Family and Children Services would be knocking on my door. In addition to her baby hijinks, this silly bitch is pregnant again, and dare I say VERY soon after her first. (Doctors recommend six weeks of no sex, not six minutes.) Okay, if carrying a drink and an infant is too hard to do, imagine TWO infants. Someone please, just spike her drinks with birth control, the world does not need to be overpopulated with the offspring of stupid celebrities.

I know it's a new trend in Hollywood to be preggers, but it actually takes hard work and skill (unlike being a musician these days). If having babies is all the rage this season, I wish the powers-that-be will make horrible parenting "so five years ago".

Truly,

Not~So~Innocent

MTV Killed The Video Star

2006-08-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

Witizens:

As I was reading the fabulous column and comments by Will Work for Shoes and the Rogue Scholar, I couldn't help thinking, "Video Killed the Radio Star". Oddly enough "Video Killed..." was the first video ever to air on MTV, and oddlier enough MTV just turned 25 years old yesterday. (Ladies, we're so in touch with everything going on... I heart us.) Since the birth of the music video, everyone's goals changed from wanting to be the best SOUND coming from the radio, to wanting to be the STAR of the video. Oh, what a wicked web we've spun Generation X; I think we've killed a part of music.

The day the music died...

In thinking back to my early days of watching MTV, BET, and VH1, I can recall when they actually still showed videos and it mainly focused on the artists singing or rapping. (Well, except for the mini movies Michael Jackson made, but the whole world LOVES those videos.) Now, the whole thing's gone Pete Tong (aka wrong). There's boat chases, pyrotechnics, half naked chicks, cameos from actors, cars on spinners, and DESIGNER EVERYTHING in every fucking video being made. What's worse is that all of those things have NOTHING to do with the songs and/or artists. There is more attention paid to looking good rather than sounding good , so much that these horrendous songs are being played on the television, but not so much the radio. I don't care how pretty you are, on the radio, musical talent is most welcomed.

When I watch music videos nowadays, it looks like a war in the fashion world has been waged and musicians are the branded foot soldiers. Louis, Gucci, Fendi, Chanel,... House of Derion?! Okay, enough. Even the musicians are becoming fashionistas and making their own (tacky) labels. IT MUST END!! Next, they'll think they're so great that they need their own fragrance of perfume. Ooops! Too late; it's already been done. Let's just everyone realize our TRUE talent and strive to perfect that one. Yeah, it's cool and I'm sure the money is wonderful, but some of these celebs know they can't sing, act, dance, model, design, and create fragrances; yet I go shopping and find Paris Hilton's crappy ass perfume on a shelf, and turn on the tele to find that even Ms. Hilton has a music video. Oy vez!!! Remember people, namely unskilled celebrities: a Jack of all trades is a master of none.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy In Wonderland

2006-08-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

Witsy Fanatics:

In case you missed me, let me explain that I was on a much needed and well deserved vacation. There is nothing like a road trip to clear (well fog out) your brain. I drove my happy ass to Orlando for the weekend and stayed with friends; the irresistibly cute newlyweds Daphne and her hubby Marcus “Aurelius”. Truly, I could not have hoped for better hosts, too kind they are. The purpose for the trip was to also attend the swankiest baby shower that I've ever been invited to for the expecting "KY" Jacky; kudos to Eryn and Will Work for Shoes for brilliant planning. If not for a certain loud-mouth woman, things would have been ab fab. I won't bore readers with details of a baby shower, there was the typical oohing and aaahing... clearly I'm not a mother.

Instead, I will launch into what I found to be the most confusing of events. It took place on I-95. I was driving back to Palm Beach County, and going well above the speed limit when I had to slow down a little. At that exact moment I also noticed that the 18 wheeler behind was pretty damn close to me; so I sped up to get out of his way. He responded by pulling alongside of me, honking his horn, and motioning for me to let the window down. I did. He then mouthed that "you have a broken brake light in back" from the far left lane, with me two lanes over in the far right lane. I said, "Thanks" and gave the ol’ thumbs up and went back to speeding. It didn't end there. He pulled along side of me again, but this time he mouthed, "what's your name?". What the hell? I think he could tell my confusion, because it mirrored his own. He looked like he didn't know why he was behaving that way either; which did put me at ease because he didn't seem creepy. So, I told him my name (my middle name to be safer...somehow), and he just kept smiling. Finally, I just drove off again, but for miles down the highway, he continued to follow me and try to ride right beside me. Did I forget to mention I never slowed from my 90mph speed? So here we are, two speeding vehicles, one an 18 wheeler and the other a Cadillac (known to rip through other cars), and he's trying to "holla" through traffic.

Now to be honest, Ray (which he told me was his name) was really attractive, and seemed nice and all, but what are my options? Pull over and talk to a complete stranger on the side of I-95? Continue speeding and talking down the highway? Let him ride along side of me until I exited and he followed? Ummm… no, no, and no. Never! I felt awful to keep speeding away from the guy, but I HATE riding next to huge Mack trucks. I think my source of confusion and concern stemmed from Ray trying to holla at speeds of 90+ mph!! Who does that? I think I'm nice and all, and I'm a cute girl (rolls eyes), but God damn... I wouldn't die just to find out my own name. Seriously, I would hope someone controlling an 18 wheeler is paying attention to the other cars on the road, not some chick speeding along lost in her own witsy wonderland. There are many places to try to pick up chicks... driving along I-95 is NOT one of them. Even if it is the sweetest of gestures, the wrecklessness is a bit much and a tell-tell sign of some crazy ass stalkerish behavior to come.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Deja Vu?

2006-07-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen the new Beyonce video for Deja Vu featuring Jay Z, you haven't missed anything unless you like ugly clothes, crazy dancing and looking at guys who would rather be anywhere than where they are. This video is so bad there is an official petition to re-shoot it. Here's the link if you to sign or read (I advise you check it out because it's quite funny): http://www.PetitionOnline.com/dejavu06/petition.html. I personally didn't sign the petition because I don't need or want to see another video for a song that makes no sense. The definition of deja vu is the experience of thinking that a new situation had occured before. Beyonce's song is about her missing her man and how it makes her delusional.
Back to the video. Let's start at the beginning with her in some sort of white bustierre, lingerie thing that looks like it barely hanging on. With this and with a few more outfits we have the messy up-do, which I've hated since middle school when girls would use mirror to create it. Next outfit up is a button down shirt, stockings with designs on them and gloves. Yuck. Then she's running through a grass field in a dress with wild hair. Then another dress, a pink one I think, this time with stringy hair. Finally an outfit shows up that I like. Strike that. An outfit would inlcude everything she had on but the gloves with no fingers stopped working for me when Madonna stopped being like a virgin. My favorite part is up next, Jay Z's rap.
Picture a smoky, dimlit dance studio with a Jay Z leaning against the wall. Enter Beyonce. As she makes her way to him, her body shakes and shimmies as though she drunk or high on something that isn't green. I've chalked it up to Jay Z gives her the good old-fashioned JIMMY LEGS. Once she reaches him, she fawns over him as he raps and looks almost totally disineterested (he does smack her ass once.) I mean he doesn't even blink when her head is at crotch level and she tugging on his belt (the whole scene makes me think of Oliver "Please sir, may I have some more?")
Did I say that was my favorite part? I'm sorry I lied to you. The African dance in the puffy skirt with wild hair is definitely my favorite part (I hope my sarcasm comes through.) It's ricockulous. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! The last time I saw dancing like that and liked it was when Comedy Central played Coming to America. We close the video with her in a black short set and boots and more jimmy legs, although this time no Jay Z.
After watching the video, I was only more convinced that the song made no sense. That's why the video makes no sense. There is so much left to be desired. The only Deja Vu comes from the audience, who is probably thinking they saw this before in Crazy in Love. May I remind you that this time there are no background dancers. I would love to hear your thoughts whether you've seen the video or not.

Until next time,

Will Work For Shoes

Suri Update

2006-07-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Witsy Citizens:

I have heard updates on the devilish little creature the world is awaiting to see, namely Suri. (Side note: I hate that fucking name. Suri is spelled in the four middle letters of her last name, and I don't know if that were intended, or why it would be. Also, when her whole name is said, it sounds like "Syracuse" to me. Anyway, the name sure is crap.)My partner in crime, Will Work For Shoes, has enlightened me that Leah Remini, of King of Queens and also a fellow Scientologist, has seen the Tomkitten. Which furthers my belief that only cult members, I mean scientologists can see Suri. In all fairness, it should not be expected for them to parade their child through magazines and tabloids, but why (OH WHY) can't they keep their affections private too? If we had to watch for months them sucking face, then we might want just a glimpse at the product of all that highly displayed love. It's just ass backwards to me. Anyways, until I see photo documentation, I'm going to stick with that kid has horns. But enough about the evil at home, today, I'm going international with Witsy.

I've been upset lately at the recent battles in Israel; it moved me to buy a newspaper, but not enough to actually watch the news. The fight for the holy land still continues, and is getting out of control. Three different religions hold Israel in high esteem: the Jews, Christians, and Muslims because all have holy ties that date back thousands of years to this one place. My frustration is that they are ruining it with all the bombings and air strikes. What good is Jerusalem when the surrounding cities fall? Nazareth was attacked, and for all you Jesus freaks, that's a major upset. If you're not, then it's upsetting to know people are losing their lives everyday for want of greed of the Holy Land. If this land, in all its holiness is worth killing and dying for, is it really so holy?

I was never baptized into a religion, but I was born with faith. Faith has not driven men to kill one another, but religion has caused more bloodshed and war than anything else. Is that backwards to anyone else. A love for God should not drive men to kill; it's the antithesis of what we should be driven to. If the fight for the Holy Land is to appease God, I think man has missed the point.

To all those who have lost their lives and faith in Israel, Witsy offers a moment of silence and an extended prayer.

Not~So~Cosmo

"Expert" on Cruise

2006-07-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

Love Bugs:

I'm about to let all my readers in on something only my closest friends know... I fucking hate Tom Cruise with a passion. Now, I'm a pacifist and I believe in love, peace, and happiness, but Tom Cruise enrages me. No other person does this to me, and never has. I mean, I don't even know this guy (in the sense that I haven't met/spoken with him), but all the same, I despise him. It all started with the memorable couch scene, which I missed (thank GOD!) the first time around, but I couldn't escape it. It was aired and re-aired on the tele over and over and over. Why? Because a grown fucking man is jumping up and down on someone's couch! He must have seen the Rick James special on "Dave Chappelle Show", and thought nothing more than "Fuck yo couch...." to Oprah. Anyway, the world watched and laughed at Tom's first public debacle, and yet he continued to spiral down...down...down.... even when no one was laughing.

The second outbreak was one that I did witness on "The Today Show"; Tom Cruise proclaiming he was an "expert of psychology", yelling at Matt Laurer, and bashing Brooke Shields for her usage of prescribed medication, all while hoping to promote Scientology as the way to live. Okay, so this I took to heart because I graduated with a degree in Psychology, and yet I don't consider myself an "expert", nor do I think I know all about prescription drugs. And just when in the hell did Tom have time to master psychology anyway? Studying a part for a movie doesn't mean you really know what the character knows... fucking moron. Anyhow, this second outbreak was when Tom Cruise went from up here (about 5'8" inches) to down here (1" from ground). I couldn't stand him from this point on... Oh, and did he go on...

The third I-just-wish-he'd-shut-the-hell-up moment came when him and his girlfriend kept professing their god damn love for each other. I GET IT!! YOU TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER!!! ESPECIALLY DURING MOVIE PROMOTIONS!!!!! I mean really, no two people make out that much in public, nor say how much they love each other. My God, even Romeo and Juliet would tell them to knock it off, and Shakespeare would tell them to get a room (more like getteth thou a chamber). Still, it wasn't as bad as that "expert of psychology" or the "Matt, Matt, Matt...You're so glib" comments; however, all the PDA just made me nauseous. What's even creepier is recent footage I saw with the pair, a montage of them making out, and in one segment, I could tell he mouthed, "You don't have to". I could only assume he meant she didn't have to kiss him, but he was holding the base of her head/neck, and he slightly jerked her head towards him and tightened his grip as he said, "You don't have to". Umm, unless she wants to get her neck broken, I'm guessing she better keep lip locking. (If anyone wants proof, I could easily find said footage again. Seriously, he's psycho.)

The fourth slight came when Tom Cruise insisted that "South Park" be cancelled because they had made a show mocking both himself and Scientologists. I thought the episode was flippin' hilarious, as did millions of other people, but not old Tommy boy. He flipped out and wanted the show cancelled, and to see to it, he threatened not to promote Mission Impossible III, which I'm sure sucked just like the previous one. This was so asinine on so many levels, that I just wrote Tom Cruise off as the biggest fucking loser in the land. The creators of South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, mock EVERYONE. Here's a clue, Jesus is a recurring character!! The show is notorious for its humorous slant on things that are happening in the world, that no one really even takes it to heart. Except for Tom Cruise and Isaac Hayes, who quit after the Scientology episode because he's also a Scientologist. I guess mocking Christians and hundreds of other wasn't so bad for Mr. Hayes. Anywho, Tom made such a stink about the show, that they pulled the episode from airing (Stone and Parker have submitted "Tom in the Closet" for some award and it's been nominated, of course, and now the episode can be aired again). I would think he had more important things to worry about... For example, his own public image, but hey who am I? I'm no expert on public image, well not yet anyway.

Tom Cruise later went on to have some British pranksters arrested because they had a dummy microphone that squirted water in his face during a press opportunity/movie premiere. Yes, it was a funny prank, but it was mean. I understand him being upset. This guy went friggin' ballistic! You would have thought he was being pissed on from how pissed off he got. The men, all working for a British television series, got to spend a night in jail because Tom was wet for two minutes. I hate a rat, and a rat that squeals because he got water in his eyes makes me want to punch him in the face.

After the outrageous attempts to sink his own career, Tom Cruise has not slowed down from his stupid shenanigans during the past few months. He and his gal, Katie, are still as kisserific as before, the devil baby is being hidden from the rest of the free (and holy) world, and he still gives his stupid fucking opinions about things he's not an expert on. Until Tom Cruise pushes a baby out of that tight-wad ass of his, I don't want to hear that women shouldn't cry out during childbirth from him. Or that postpartum depression isn't real, medication isn't the way and is actually harmful and not at all helpful, vitamins, exercise, and diet are the ONLY way...No more! Being opinionated does not make one an expert; I should know because I'm an expert opinionist, but that's about it. It doesn't take expertise to be an asshole, Mr. Cruise, and unfortunately, that's the poor bastard's only expertise.

Truly Venomous,

Not~So~(Cruise)Cosmo